Casual Conversation

Hey man, I’m sorry this is a rough time for you. But maybe you’re looking at Christmas all wrong.

The origin of Christmas wasn’t anything to do with the birth of Christ, but was a way for humans to get through the literal darkest time of the year. This is the moment when the natural world throws all it had against us and takes away one of the things that we require to be happy (sunlight). Society doesn’t do much, if anything, for summer solstice because most people are in a good mood. But we sure as hell do for winter solstice because, before modern society, shit was about to get rough.

I also have to face a lot of loss during this time as well. My mom died on Dec 19th 2020, and my brother overdosed and died 4 days later. Then a year later my dad died on Dec 30th. This time of year is tough for me too. And I also don’t really deserve my amazing wife and kids either. But they sure as hell don’t deserve a sad sack of a father/husband.

Therapy helps a lot with this. It can be hard to find the words to talk about this with the people you love so it can be easier with a third party. Your family deserves you to be there for them and to be legitimately happy.

I hope you find peace and can put the past behind you.

• A rando on the internet

Instead of hating Christmas, you should hate the people that sent your friend to Iraq to die for absolutely nothing.

You don't hate christmas, you hate that christmas reminds you of the loss of your friend.

You're not "supposed to pretend that it doesn't kill you that" your friend isnt there. It sounds like you've learnt a horrible toxic idea that men aren't allowed to be emotional or that crying or being sad is weak, or that you have to bottle this up.

You need to allow yourself to grieve. I can understand hiding this from young children, but that doesn't mean bottling it up entirely. Tall to your wife. Think about ways you could express and release this each year - maybe set a day aside to remember him and celebrate him with other friends?

And maybe think about therapy in the new year - you need to learn how to process and express how you feel, not bottle it up and let it eat your up with resentment and hate. It's misdirected and is harming you and potentially your loved ones each year.

Would your friend want you to remember him by being miserable and resentful during the holidays? Or would he want you to remember the good times and share why you loved him and missed him with other people so they can know what a great guy he was?

Hey man, my wife got two all-expense paid vacations to Iraq in 06 and 09 (she's a lifer so she's still in). She has lost some folk and it hits her hard. I'm just a civilian, and can't fully fathom all you went through, but I'm grateful to you.

I will tell you this, you're buddy Steve would not want you to be miserable at all, and especially at the holidays. I know enough Soldiers to know exactly what he'd be telling you.

Always remember your friend. But give yourself permission to enjoy the holidays.

Sending a virtual cyber hug your way. I'm a bit the same with Thanksgiving. Feeling a loss during a "cheery happy time" blows. Not too much else I can say. I hope you get through it.

Intended in the most compassionate way possible: that sucks.

Hopefully one day, you'll be able disassociate when you heard about Steve from the anger about why.

I mean that with honest good intent, sorry if it sounds off.

Sorry this time of year is tough on you. I was last deployed to Iraq in 2006, so before Steve but I'm sorry for your loss. We all grieve in our own way. Just make sure you let it out.

I lost Sgt Perez on one of my deployments. He was a good dude. He said he messed up early in his career but would never explain the details. I guess he would have been picking up a promotion if he didn't have that bad paperwork. Great NCO. He looked after us. He had 3 kids and a wife. 2 of the kids was with his current wife. He was out walking around base at night when some rockets were shot at the base. He got some sharpnel when it impacted a building and didn't make it.

I try to live my life in memory of the lost loved ones. They aren't here anymore to enjoy life, so I try to enjoy it for them. Christmas can be corny and sound torture with all the songs, but some parts are enjoyable.

Steve sounds like the kind of person who would be every bit proud of you, even posthumously. He was there for his people, after all.

That's rough.
My best buddy died 20ish years ago, fell asleep at the wheel on the highway maybe 1km before his exit. There's no rhyme or reason to this shit, he certainly didn't deserve to die anymore than I deserve to live.
Yet here we are, and they aren't.
When it gets harder, I tell myself to enjoy these things; he would if he was here.
Hey, I won't pretend this actually works much, but it's still nice to remind myself for a fleeting moment that he wouldn't want me to stay in this gloomy mood.

I'm sorry you lost someone you cared about so much. For whatever reason grief isnt looked at as serious mental anguish. It hurts to lose someone. It hurts so goddamn much and I'm sorry you are suffering.

And you're allowed to hate Christmas. No one has to enjoy every holiday. There's no law requiring you to like it. You're not a bad person, and it's perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do.

I fucking hate Christmas too. For similar reasons to yours. My friend was murdered many years ago in December and I still hate Christmas. So at the very least you aren't alone, not that it takes the pain away or anything.

Remember, It's okay to not be okay and to not participate if it's negatively effecting you. Do what you need to do to survive the holidays. You matter too. Your pain is real, and self care is more important now than ever. I don't care how cheesy or cringe I sound because it's true. Please be kind to yourself.

You've got the right to hate it all. Absolutely. There is no deserving anything.

But you've got what you've got. There is no sense to any of it. Christmas will come at you again and again and again for the rest of your life.

I hope that you make some peace with it for Steve. Give Steve all the best Christmas that you can every year. Give a faire holiday to your family. Give them to your friends. Give them to strangers.

And eventually I hope that you can give yourself a fine and cozy Christmas, too.

We are at the darkest time of our year together. I hope that someday you can find some light for a Merry Christmas.

On another note, you should never drop the news like this on a holiday/celebration.

In particular when someone has passed, nothing is going to change by time, so the timeline to spread the news is largely irrelevant.

I feel you.

To date, I've lost five people within two days of Christmas. Another two within a week.

You get enough shit built up around any holiday and it starts to grind away at any joy of it. But Christmas? It's so much worse because there's the holiday.

So, losing someone on Christmas eve? That is fucking horrible. It just fucks the entire idea of Christmas right out.

And people always seem so surprised about it. Like, how the fuck are you supposed to just forget and enjoy it?

Somehow the Christmas movie Jack Frost came up in conversation this week. (Well, the family friendly one...)

It sort of deals with a similar theme, except of course that the christmas-deceased father was reincarnated, sort of, for a time; to help the family heal.

I don't know if watching it would help in any way. It might just make you more angry. It did help us in some strange way when my partner was dying of cancer.

Sorry for your loss. It never leaves you.

You can get help, and likely should, given the impact. Many workplaces offer an Employee Assistance Program, or EAP. It’s not hosted by your employer it’s just easier access to therapy.

Sounds like a fair reason to hate it, don't have much to say/offer besides condolences.

I imagine it would've made Steve smile if you made them kids and wife super happy around Christmas, but what do I know?

A few more days, then we're on to sales, new years and that weird time when everyone's jazzed on a new year but exhausted from the last one.

I'm sorry dude. That all just sucks.

If I can offer a path of thought, it sounds a bit like you're punishing yourself for being happy. It sounds like you have sort of a duality... You remember Christmas being a happy time with a lot of togetherness and love. And you also remember that it is the time when you heard this devastating news.

You might sit and try to sort that out... Both of those things in your brain at the same time are certain to drive anyone a bit mad.

But you don't have to punish yourself for being happy sometimes. It really sounds like you have a big case of survivor's guilt. There are pathways through that grief that may allow you to be happy and also honor the memory of a dear friend.

There's no "right" answer, just an answer that's right for you. You might consider talking to someone to help you unwind this ball of thoughts. Perhaps on the other side is something you can do every holiday in honor of your friend to help pay him back by paying it forward. While he's not here, maybe you could do something extra to spread Christmas cheer on his behalf. There's a hole in the world where he used to be - you could potentially help fill that.

It won't be easy, but I'd encourage you to walk along the path of those thoughts and see if you can find some peace.

I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do.

It's crazy how just a few words can rock your whole world. I'll never forget the minutes after I learned my brother killer himself. It fucking sucks, but nearly every one of us is going to go through that experience. We are all going to lose those close to us unless we're the first to go. Momento mori.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Make sure to keep your mental health as the top priority. You can always explain later.

Traumatic events have a really powerful way of poisoning things for us sometimes. It's okay to struggle with Christmas. It wreaks havok on my emotional well-being also, but for different reasons. Its okay to not relate to it the way others do and to find pain, rather than joy in what's supposed to be celebration

🫂 sending love from my corner of the world to yours

I'm so sorry.

I'm with you on this as well. I go to Mexico every year and hide in the tropics to ignore the holiday.