this post was submitted on 13 Dec 2024
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No Stupid Questions

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DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

there's a brown pelican that hangs out on the railing of a very narrow portion of a boardwalk nearby. the only reason it makes me nervous is because it's huge, but their nails look short, and their beaks are pointed, but curved downwards so they would have to try to bite me with that long thing instead of pecking me.

like, if a bird capable of clawing or eating my eyes out attacked my face, I'd honestly have no qualms about killing it immediately. but if I ever get attacked by a pelican, it looks like I could just kind of hold it off without having to hurt it. am I right in that?

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[–] YottaDren@lemmy.world 97 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Ok so my experience comes from catching chickens and clawed ducks as a child, so assuming you're a full grown adult, and this chart, the ratios are the same.

You gotta catch them from surprise, from the back, but it sounds like you're already in the fight if shit goes down. The beak is your issue. The wings are just a distraction. Get the pelican bastard from the neck, as high as possible if you can and try to grab the legs. ChatGPT says they don't really use their legs to fight, but worst case, start swinging it. I bet once you clamp on the beak, it'll be hard for it to open. Like how alligators can chomp down, but have trouble opening. Once it's subdued, it might stay freaked out for a while. You just gotta hold it until it accepts defeat.

Then take it to your mom and she'll take the head and feathers off for dinner.

Best of luck brother.

[–] kambusha@sh.itjust.works 47 points 1 week ago (3 children)

You can never plan to fight a pelican. It just happens. We've all been there.

[–] tilefan@lemm.ee 10 points 1 week ago

it's a long-standing tradition. all official pelican fights must be a surprise

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[–] EveryMuffinIsNowEncrypted@lemmy.blahaj.zone 65 points 1 week ago (4 children)

DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

I need this on a T-shirt.

Seriously, this is the best thing I have seen on the Internet in a long time. It's like I'm in 2013 all over again. Lol.

[–] tilefan@lemm.ee 16 points 1 week ago (1 children)

it should be like "I'm not planning on fighting a pelican"

[–] EveryMuffinIsNowEncrypted@lemmy.blahaj.zone 20 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (3 children)

Nah, I like the original way more.

"I'm not planning on fighting a pelican" comes off as "well, I'm not planning on it, but it could happen",

while "I'm not planning on fighting a pelican" comes off as almost a political statement: "Statement: I do not have plans to fight a pelican." like a politician at a press release.

I feel the latter would confuse people more. Lol.

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[–] dual_sport_dork@lemmy.world 60 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Pelicans have stupid stumpy little legs, basically no talons because they have webbed ducklike feet, and are able to apply very little biting force with their beaks due to the length. Pelicans feed by scooping things up and swallowing them whole. They don't bite, tear, or chew. I've never seen one try to peck anything. They're certainly not built for that.

If you grabbed a pelican by the beak I think there is vanishingly little it could actually do to you aside from squirming and flapping feathers all over the place. You should be fairly clear to yeet the thing into the ocean at your own convenience.

[–] SolarMonkey@slrpnk.net 25 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I left this open for a while and forgot what post I was reading when I returned, so I misread your first sentence as “politicians” rather than pelicans..

And lemme tell you, that was a quality chuckle.

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[–] Ersatz86@lemmy.world 54 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (4 children)

Haven’t seen it mentioned here, so a word to the wise: their beaks are somewhere sharp-edged, and if you were to grasp the beak and your hand were to slide lengthwise (towards or away from the tip), you could sustain a nasty cut.

Source: adolescent me harassing pelicans that were a lil too inquisitive about my days’ fishing catch on a dock somewhere near Cedar Key, FL.

[–] tilefan@lemm.ee 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

good to know. was it like a bad, dirty paper cut?

[–] Ersatz86@lemmy.world 13 points 1 week ago (1 children)

It was precisely like a bad, dirty paper cut that stank of fish munge.

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[–] djsoren19@yiffit.net 43 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (7 children)

I'm gonna let everyone in on a lil secret.

You can absolutely fuck up a bird. Their bones are hollow and light, making them super kickable. Even a 4" human still has multiple feet of height over most species of bird, meaning you can wind up a solid kick and still probably send whatever beaked menace is after you flying. If it comes for your eyes or face, even your weakest punch will give it pause.

Now, defending yourself from a bird attack without harming the bird attacking you? Yeah that's really hard, because most of your immediate reactions like trying to grab or restrain it will likely result in hurting the bird.

[–] Tyfud@lemmy.world 30 points 1 week ago (1 children)

The image of a 4 inch tall human towering over a bird amuses me.

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[–] JovialMicrobial@lemm.ee 19 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Except for swans... which are giant geese. Those two are very durable.

At least one person has died from being attacked by a swan while kayaking.

https://www.latimes.com/nation/la-xpm-2012-apr-16-la-na-nn-killer-swan-attacks-chicago-man-until-he-drowns-20120416-story.html

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 9 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (8 children)

Realistically, if that person had no regard for the bird, they could've just grabbed it and strung it's neck.

“Maybe he didn’t want to hurt the animal,” Hensley’s father-in-law, George Koutsogiannis, told the Sun-Times. “Maybe he didn’t fight back enough when the swan attacked him....I can’t understand how this was possible.”

A single swan can't actually physically overpower a person, but people can panic and make bad choices, especially when in water and confronted with aggressive wildlife.

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[–] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I had an incredibly aggressiveale duck that would come after me all the time. He was big, like 20lbs at least, and I'd kick him in the chest with the side ofy foot when he came at me all angry like. His chest was the meatiest part of him, so I wasn't worried about damaging him with kinda wimpy kicks. Bastard became soup real quickly, though. Overly aggressive birds in my flock don't get the privilege of being pets.

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[–] tilefan@lemm.ee 9 points 1 week ago (1 children)

did you know that one of the reasons their bones are hollow is because they assist the lungs with intaking oxygen to provide all the oxygen needed for flight? it's not just weight saving

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[–] xmunk@sh.itjust.works 36 points 1 week ago (1 children)

My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you'll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they'll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.

It is a fight you can't win good Sir or Madame.

[–] tilefan@lemm.ee 9 points 1 week ago (3 children)

what is it's pelican season?

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[–] dubyakay@lemmy.ca 34 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (2 children)

We were on a Zoo trip during summer camp, me and my brother and a bunch of other kids from our judo class. Mostly early teens.

Certain areas in the Zoo had free roaming animals, mostly kangaroos, emu, peacocks, some ponies, goats and sheep. A couple kids had the great idea to pester the pelicans. Pelican are a funny bunch that keep begging for treats with their giant beaks open and waddling around. They look less than threatening, although they have that frowny looking eye.

Anyway the kids decided it'd be fun to take turns spitting into the beaks of one particular giant pelican instead of giving it treats. It didn't really like it but the kids kept persisting, daring to lean in closer and closer into the pelican's wide open beak. Finally my stupid little brother in the spur of the moment thought he'd show the other kids how it's done. He ran up to the pelican, leaned in really close and spit the most nasty wad into its beak. At that moment the pelican turned its head sideways and

*** CLAP ***

I'll never forget the sight of my brothers head being completely engulfed by a giant beak.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The grab only lasted for a blink of an eye. My brother didn't even have time to realize what happened and struggle against it. He came out with a surprised and slightly scratched face. The surprise turned into a grin and then laughter within seconds.

Nevertheless, the pelican gained the respect from the kids and they've stopped pestering it. But somehow I imagine that this is basically the worst they can do. Give you a stereo-slap on your ears with their beak. You are safe against that brown pelican.

Be glad it's not a cobra chicken.

[–] chonglibloodsport@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago

Just be glad your brother isn’t a pigeon or other similar sized bird. A pelican can and will swallow smaller birds whole!

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[–] Naz@sh.itjust.works 28 points 1 week ago (1 children)

OP casually walks by pelicans and hears the Mortal Kombat music begin playing

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[–] deafboy@lemmy.world 27 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] jatone@lemmy.dbzer0.com 9 points 1 week ago

OP is going to get so rekt'd.

[–] gnu@lemmy.zip 25 points 1 week ago (3 children)

I actually have wrestled a bit with a pelican and can say that if you're prepared to take a few scratches you'll be able to hold one down. You just have to hold the beak and wings, once you've got it pinned their legs are too short to really get at you.

Admittedly the pelican in question wasn't operating at full potential (recovering from a wound) but I was in my early teens at the time so wasn't exactly an example of peak physical performance myself.

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[–] RogueBanana@lemmy.zip 25 points 1 week ago

Sometimes it's really refreshing to read shit like this and take a break from all the doom posts. Thanks.

[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 23 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Real answer?

Don't fight the pelican. The law is on their side, for one thing.

No I don't think you could hold it away from you without hurting it or you. No I don't think it has any intention of harming you, unless you are a fish. Walk on by, it will either just sit there or fly away.

[–] retrieval4558@mander.xyz 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Bird law in this country is not governed by reason.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 6 days ago

lol, this is just a great sentence is a great post

[–] theneverfox@pawb.social 21 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I wouldn't worry to much about pelicans. Fun fact - pelicans try to eat people sometimes. They basically try to eat every animal, because they have no sense of scale for their food they can swallow. And they don't risk much by trying - most large animals have the same incredulous reaction we do

They are not very bright birds nor very quick ones. They are also not very agile. And as a bird, they have hollow bones and you could kill them with a solid fist to the chest... I once saw the aftermath of two shin high dogs tearing one apart. On a small balcony. There was blood everywhere... The dogs were covered in it, completely uninjured and very pleased with themselves

I wouldn't worry, even if they have the sharp bits that could injure you, they lack the instincts to use them properly

[–] tilefan@lemm.ee 10 points 1 week ago (2 children)

there's a video out there of one trying to eat a duck

[–] Diddlydee@feddit.uk 17 points 1 week ago (14 children)
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[–] Boozilla@lemmy.world 17 points 1 week ago (5 children)

I have no idea, but I really hope some genius on Lemmy creates a simulation of this fight so we can all have a great time watching it.

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[–] LovableSidekick@lemmy.world 16 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Does the pelican have a gun?

[–] tilefan@lemm.ee 28 points 1 week ago (6 children)

idk but in this neighborhood, probably

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[–] luciferofastora@lemmy.zip 15 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Why is this comment section full of people ridiculing the question in a community called "no stupid questions"? Like, isn't the entire point here to be able to ask questions that you worry might be stupid without being ridiculed for it?

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[–] Jamablaya@lemmy.today 14 points 1 week ago (12 children)

you're a great ape somewhere between 150 and 300 lbs. It's a 15 pound bird. I'm sorry but this is embarrassing.

[–] nepenthes@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (6 children)

As a Canadian, have you ever met a Canada goose?

I feel you OP.

Also, telling someone they should be embarrassed because they are afraid or don't want to fight is toxic, although I guess maybe you are joking?

[–] Jamablaya@lemmy.today -1 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago)

no, it's literally embarrassing. But I'm from western canada, we worry about being attacked by bear not fucking chickens. People scared of fucking birds are determining federal gun laws, apparently. fucking pathetic.

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[–] capital@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

I’m a mediocre ape at best.

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[–] spankmonkey@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Most likely the worst it would do is some light scratches and bites, but that beak tip could tear up some skin if it scrapes across the skin like a box cutter knife. Those beak tips are surprisingly sharp.

But it would all be superficial from the claws and beak. The main danger would be from bacteria and other pathogens causing infections if those wounds aren't cleaned.

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[–] agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works 10 points 1 week ago

how badly could a pelican fuck me up in a fight?

DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

there's a brown pelican that hangs out...

Poetry.

Actually, wait...

how badly could a

pelican fuck me up in

a fight? DISCLAIMER

.

I am not planning

on fighting a pelican.

There's a brown peli-

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