- "Grandpa, did you fight in WW3?"
- "No, they wouldn't let me enlist because I masturbated way too much. Like an immediately disqualifying amount."
this post was submitted on 04 Dec 2024
1084 points (99.5% liked)
NonCredibleDefense
6764 readers
552 users here now
A community for your defence shitposting needs
Rules
1. Be nice
Do not make personal attacks against each other, call for violence against anyone, or intentionally antagonize people in the comment sections.
2. Explain incorrect defense articles and takes
If you want to post a non-credible take, it must be from a "credible" source (news article, politician, or military leader) and must have a comment laying out exactly why it's non-credible. Low-hanging fruit such as random Twitter and YouTube comments belong in the Matrix chat.
3. Content must be relevant
Posts must be about military hardware or international security/defense. This is not the page to fawn over Youtube personalities, simp over political leaders, or discuss other areas of international policy.
4. No racism / hatespeech
No slurs. No advocating for the killing of people or insulting them based on physical, religious, or ideological traits.
5. No politics
We don't care if you're Republican, Democrat, Socialist, Stalinist, Baathist, or some other hot mess. Leave it at the door. This applies to comments as well.
6. No seriousposting
We don't want your uncut war footage, fundraisers, credible news articles, or other such things. The world is already serious enough as it is.
7. No classified material
Classified ‘western’ information is off limits regardless of how "open source" and "easy to find" it is.
8. Source artwork
If you use somebody's art in your post or as your post, the OP must provide a direct link to the art's source in the comment section, or a good reason why this was not possible (such as the artist deleting their account). The source should be a place that the artist themselves uploaded the art. A booru is not a source. A watermark is not a source.
9. No low-effort posts
No egregiously low effort posts. E.g. screenshots, recent reposts, simple reaction & template memes, and images with the punchline in the title. Put these in weekly Matrix chat instead.
10. Don't get us banned
No brigading or harassing other communities. Do not post memes with a "haha people that I hate died… haha" punchline or violating the sh.itjust.works rules (below). This includes content illegal in Canada.
11. No misinformation
NCD exists to make fun of misinformation, not to spread it. Make outlandish claims, but if your take doesn’t show signs of satire or exaggeration it will be removed. Misleading content may result in a ban. Regardless of source, don’t post obvious propaganda or fake news. Double-check facts and don't be an idiot.
Join our Matrix chatroom
Other communities you may be interested in
- !militaryporn@lemmy.world
- !forgottenweapons@lemmy.world
- !combatvideos@sh.itjust.works
- !militarymoe@ani.social
Banner made by u/Fertility18
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
Grandpa, do you mind? It's hard to talk to you when you do that in front of me.
You kids today are soft, back in my day there was this big war & I could only use one hand because I needed the other to fight people that wanted to evacuate me.
Or that one time I had to hide in the attic & do it very quietly.
Or that time I had to do it with a super bright light in my face because there was something called "an interrogation" at the camp.
load more comments
(1 replies)
How exactly does masturbating prevent you from military service?
It makes you go blind.
And your hands get all hairy
It makes your hand pregnant
Perrganent? Preganté?
Gregnant
Oh, and your rifle gets all slippery!
load more comments
(3 replies)
This is just a poor translation. It's a colloquialism to say you're jacking off when you're lazy and doing nothing. In fact, it's the same colloquialism in English. We literally say the exactly same thing when we call someone useless. What's really interesting in my opinion is you already know this. Yet because it's from a translation and you know that, your brain didn't think about the colloquialisms. It's kind of crazy how our brains work.
I'm aware of the colloquialism but I also thought that this is something Chinese party officials might plausibly say. You know, something something Western decadence.
load more comments
(6 replies)
That's boring tho lets go with the masturbation jokes
load more comments
(1 replies)
When the mortar tube is clogged with cum...
And that's how you learned the company Fleshlight has a hole in the back.
Post-nut clarity makes you realize what a bad idea joining the military would be.
After a good fap I realised that this is the most plausible explanation.
load more comments
(1 replies)
load more comments
(1 replies)
load more comments
(5 replies)
WW3 is gonna be a 5v5 on de_dust2
Heeeeey. There might be a role for me after all.
I want it in Source at 800x600 on my end. CRT please.
load more comments
(1 replies)
load more comments
(4 replies)
Plot twist, I binge ate to become fat to avoid conscription.
Weird thing is, South Korean military recruitors are looking for me for some reason, maybe I'm still not fat enough?
I'm a disabled veteran and still get calls from recruiters. They are basically salesmen doing cold calls
load more comments
(6 replies)
You just have to get fat enough that they can see how fat you are, on the news.
load more comments
(3 replies)
load more comments
(1 replies)
not gonna lie it would be awesome if wars were actually conducted by gaming
The rampant cheating would make for some... Interesting streams.
Imagine the Chinese taking the Alamo with noclipping special forces wiping out 20,000 men as they sit in a digital forest around a thousand bright but cold campfires talking about Christian values, the merits of racism, and which anime girl is best.
You say this while there is currently a bitter war being fought with drones controlled with X-box controllers with VR goggles. The next wars will be conducted via gaming.
(I mean, besides all the civilians who might get between our murderbots.)
load more comments
(8 replies)
Wait I have to stop touching myself in order to successed in the fitness test?
load more comments
(3 replies)
Just put them on a 2000 calory deficit diet during basic training, and double its duration.
That'll get rid of 80 pounds of excess fat, plus they won't have the strength to masturbate.
Sure, half of them will become casualties before they see action, but they can still pilot drones, do the funny or make coffee, while you can feed the other half into the front line grinder.
load more comments
(11 replies)
We did it! Capitalism saved the planet from WWIII!
Now we just tidy up a bit...
Sitting up? Check out these gym rats...
What on earth is going on with that helicopter?
It made the mistake of being AI generated.
load more comments
(1 replies)
She put the burger on the gd floor like damn bich you know we got plates right?
load more comments
(6 replies)
load more comments
(1 replies)
TIL wanking habits fit into recruitment parameters.
I did my part by being born with a sensory disability. Mind you I’m also too mentally ill to enlist…
load more comments
(2 replies)
You know that movie with Bruce Willis named Surrogates? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrogates The Scene where they visit the Military.
This is how WW3 will happen, i figure. Warfare from the comfort of your home, ready to jump into o a new robot Body once downed. War being nothing more than a Battle of attrition and technical Ressources.
load more comments
(3 replies)
"The enemy cannot push a button, if you disable his hand!"
- Sergeant Zim
load more comments
(1 replies)
view more: next ›