Trans

I started transitioning a little over 3 years ago (I think? I might be 4 at this point), but only came out to my family a year ago (on Christmas to be exact). Gender dysphoria is like a weight, and for me, like you, it became all the more suffocating once I realised it was there. I had also been an ✨ally✨ to the community long enough that I knew how large and difficult of a life change transitioning would be, and I was worried I wouldn't even have the courage to transition or come out. That is to say, I get how you're feeling right now. I want to affirm that, no matter how far you go in your transition, no matter how it turns out, it gets better.

I'll talk about my personal experience first. After I realised I was trans, I came out to a close trans friend. We both started medically transitioning around that time, and soon after came out to the rest of my close friends as well. I was lucky in that these friends were already very queer and trans, so they were supportive. I definitely lost some friends outside that group though. Last Christmas, I came out to my parents in an ... inelegant... way. I was panicking, they already knew anyway (I was bad at hiding it), but it turned out okay. It took some adjustment, but they're accepting and I can't take that for granted. My crazy uncle disapproves, which I couldn't care less about. Just recently I finally went through the process of changing my name and gender legally, which was a headache but was still nice.

As for my advice, the first thing I'll say is that I cannot stress enough how much having a real ally or, even better, someone in the community to support you through your transition will help your mental health. You're probably going to quickly start experiencing creepy (because you're femme) and abusive men (because you're trans), however rarely. Someone who intimately understands what you're going through will help you work through that. For finding and forming community, I would be surprised if your university didn't have a trans group or something. Like, you're doing computer science, you'll already have tonnes in common with the women there.

The rest, is largely up to you. Experiment with your gender in "safe" ways if you aren't completely sure in your identity yet. That could involve dressing in women's clothes (keep in mind a lot might fit a bit weird right now), or by asking friends to experiment with different names and pronouns. I also found reading a great way to learn things about myself, some books I would recommend are Nevada by Imogen Binnie and A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett. They let you explore a variety of trans experiences and choices without having gone through them yourself. I also highly recommend watching The People's Joker too, but that's just because it's a really good and funny trans movie.

If you don't want to medically transition, that's totally fine (and anyone who says otherwise in this community will be banned). Otherwise, I cannot recommend at least HRT enough, especially if a significant source of your dysphoria is your body. It can do magic, particularly if you're young. I would suggest taking a look at this article on TransHub (which is a generally trusted source on trans stuff) for information about what to expect. It can help manage your dysphoria if you're not yet ready to come out socially, as I wasn't. Even after you've started HRT, you should be able to hide most of the visual changes effectively for at least a year or two. It is a great way to do something about your transition while you're building up your confidence to come out.

When it comes to coming out, i.e social transition, remember that no one is "owed" you coming out. When you are ready to come out, make sure you can do so safely. If you rely on your family for shelter or financial support, ensure you have contingency plans for housing or financial stability in case things go poorly (like find a friend who would be willing to host you for a while). Similar situation for work, while I'm pretty sure in the US it's technically illegal to discriminate against someone for being trans, that doesn't mean they won't. Try and gather the temperature of the room before making any decisions, and have a resume and linkedin profile ready in case things go poorly. Be prepared emotionally for the possibility that you may lose friends or family you care about. Remember above all that you deserve respect, and that you deserve to live authentically. If someone rejects you, or "accepts" you but undermine your identity, don't adjust your presentation and identity just for their comfort.

That ends my advice for the medical and social stuff, so let me just give you some practical advice:

• Find a trans specializing doctor, the trans health project maintains a list for the US. WPATH also maintains a directory.
• Invest in and get good at shaving. I would highly recommend learning to shave with a safety razor, with the caveat that you should avoid them if you think having the razors around could enable self harm. Nothing else will get as close a shave, and safety razors are dirt cheap ($30 - $80 for the handle, $20 - $30 for a 100 pack of blades). Having a good quality electric razor around is also very useful for a quick touch up, especially if you keep a lipstick style one in your car or bag.
• The page transfemme.style has some good advice on fashion
• Buy a sports bra if you start medically transitioning. You'll need to start wearing it before you think, and they'll fit most bodies pretty well. Get one with padding so you get some bigger boobs.
• At some point, graduate to a real bra. Get professionally fitted! I gained more cup sizes in that fitting than in three years of transitioning lol.
• If you feel dysphoric about shoulders in women's clothing, try tank tops. I fucking love tank tops.
• More generally for tops, a round or scoop neck piece of clothing will be most flattering. I don't like boat necks. Get something that fits properly, don't go too tight, even if it makes your boobs look great.

Kinda had the same situation here (I will even be graduating with a CS bachelor's soon as well), although I had my realization in highschool. My family tends to be more progressive like yours and I spent a few months experimenting with my gender. One day my mom noticed that I had shaved my legs and long story short, she basically forced me to come out. Initially she "accepted" me and she used the proper name and pronouns with me but she was convinced that it was just a phase. Over the years she has realized that it's not a phase and she has become a lot more accepting over time. Some of my family members took a bit to come around as well and others immediately accepted me.

Considering you have a progressive family, I imagine things will probably turn out alright. Since I came out during covid I stayed inside pretty much the entire time I didn't really start to transition until afterwards, since my family called me she/her I was pretty content with that at the time (I tend to feel more dysphoric in public than at home).

Anyways, the most important thing is that you are happy. Do things in your transition because they make you happy and not because of pressure from others. There is not one way to transition and you can do or not do whatever parts you want.

So I was like you, though I came out probably a bit younger (20) and back in 2015 when everyone and their mother learned we exist. I had always been masculine (afraid to be feminine) I didn’t always know (that someone like me could be trans) and I could go on. I did luck out that my mom was a vocal trans ally already because a local trans teenager’s suicide note called her to action, and she had no idea that her big bearded son was actually her daughter.

I came out before starting hormones but I already had my first appointment with a therapist (informed consent was just taking off at the time and I could only find endocrinologists who needed letters of recommendation, and I feel ancient having to explain all this, like jeez this was so different of a time I was actually showing courage by telling that therapist I was transitioning to gay). And the main reason I came out first was because I was moving back in with my parents after realizing that living on campus might take away from my bottom surgery funds in the future.

It wasn’t a great time to come out by “family health standards”, I spent my early transition stuck between classes and taking my mom to oncology appointments. The people who were accepting were accepting, the ones who weren’t weren’t. Some of the ones I expected to be accepting weren’t and vice versa. And my grandma took like 7 years to gender me correctly consistently and maybe eventually she’ll stop calling my wife my “friend”.

But anyways, I only regret not coming out sooner. Partly because I came out over the month on either side of Caitlyn Jenner and yeah that took some explaining. Mostly though because everything that was going to happen was going to happen. Your roommates may be a different story, but otherwise once you’ve made up your mind to live authentically only delay with purpose. Most of early transition is waiting anyways, may as well hurry up so you can start waiting.

Also for a different perspective my wife was on hormones when she came out to her family because she was an adult and independent and she expected pushback. It was easier for them to accept she’d done it already than for them to fight over her doing it.

My family knew I had pretty bad mental health issues for the past 7 years, so when I came out I told them I had figured out why and what my plans were now that I knew. My parents were initially ignorant allies (my mom's first question was about surgery :/ ).

I also told them I had been thinking about it for about a year at that point and answered questions to show I knew what I was doing. Since then my happiness has spoken for itself thanks to estrogen. I guess I had really bad biochemical dysphoria, because I felt like a different person within 2 days.