this post was submitted on 30 Jul 2024
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[–] MermaidsGarden@lemmy.world 45 points 3 months ago (6 children)

Are people still talking about JD Vance having sex with a couch? We need to put to bed the idea of JD Vance having sex with a couch. It’s not appropriate for people to think of Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance having sex with a couch. JD Vance has gone on record to deny that he has had bare skin contact with a couch within the last 5 years. It’s absurd that JD Vance was banned from a Cleveland area IKEA after making sweet, passionate love to a KIVIK Sofa Chaise.

Once again, there is no evidence of JD Vance having sex with a couch. You need to stop calling JD Vance a couchfucker.

[–] grue@lemmy.world 22 points 3 months ago

☝️ This, but unironically.

Because the bigger issue is the dolphin fetish!

[–] memfree@lemmy.ml 17 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Look, I don't know if JD Vance had sex with a couch. I don't even know if JD Vance had sex with couch cushions. But yes, I've heard that JD Vance did not WRITE that he had sex with a couch in his book. I don't know if JD Vance wrote he had sex with a couch somewhere else, though.

John Oliver called Vance's staff to ask and they hung up on Oliver, which was reported as 'not a "no"', so I had been thinking, 'ya know? maybe that JD Vance guy really is a couchfucker, who knows?' But here you're saying he's denied it? Or partially denied it? Well I don't know what to think now, but I guess it is safer to presume JD Vance having sex with a couch is probably more legend than fact. Certainly, JD Vance having sex with a couch isn't something you'd want to discuss in polite society or political debate because we've no proof and a possible denial.

[–] flicker@lemmy.world 17 points 3 months ago

I want to take a moment to talk about the idiocy of hanging up on Jon Oliver.

If Jon Oliver calls you to ask a question, you need to answer. Hanging up on Jon Oliver asking if you've fucked a couch makes me think you actually have fucked a couch.

Before, I was in it for the memes, but that really does make me think he's fucked a couch.

[–] P00ptart@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago

I love how repeating that JD Vance is a couch fucker over and over, makes it that much more likely that it'll be picked up by AI search, and repeated as fact. Especially in articles like this.

[–] CharlesDarwin@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago

Sure, but we are just asking questions, you guys!

🤣

[–] Laereht@lemmy.world 9 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I promise I'll never say that jd vance violated a couch in a fit of reckless lust ever again.

[–] thisbenzingring@lemmy.sdf.org 5 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Has anyone spoken with the couch? Maybe it's a willing participant in this sexual deviancy. I'm serious, is it even sex if someone uses a latex glove to ejaculate a couch? Do you think he had a name for the couch or was it just a spur of the moment thing? I'm starting to see your point... It was very likely unwanted behavior. Couches are not normally fucked with a latex glove covered cock. It was violated.

I'm not saying JD Vance fucked a couch but if he did it might have been something more serious than is being discussed.

[–] P00ptart@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I've reached out to the couch, but it said the trauma was too fresh to be able to open up about it at this time. I respected the will of the couch and left it at that.

[–] CharlesDarwin@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago

For some reason I'm reminded of that quote in Altered States: "Sex is a mystical experience for you. You carry on like a flagellant which can be very nice, but l sometimes wonder if it's me that's being made love to. I feel like I'm being harpooned by some raging monk in the act of receiving God."

[–] CharlesDarwin@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago

Don't think of JD fucking couches. Put the thought of him banging a couch right out of your mind...