Not The Onion

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We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
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We've been getting some weird posts lately that... Well, they're not making me think it's gotta be an Onion headline, that's for sure.

So just a little refresher. Posts should be:

  1. Links to news stories from…
  2. …credible sources, with…
  3. …their original headlines, that…
  4. …would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

If it's not Onion-y, it doesn't belong here. Bizarre, horrific, and violent news can be here if the headline reads like something out of The Onion, but if it doesn't, it's going away. And if there's too much non-Onion-like content from an account, that account is going away, too.

If you're not sure whether the real news headline you've found is like The Onion, here's a few sample Onion headlines from today:

  • "Visiting Friend Pleasantly Surprised By City’s Open Hostility Toward Homeless People"
  • "Increasingly Powerful Trans Person Capable Of Using Every Single Bathroom At Once"
  • "Man Feels Like Bystanders Are Arguing For Him To Put Gun Down In Bad Faith"
  • "Wally The Emotional Support Alligator Went To See The Phillies"
  • ‘New York Times’ Issues Apology For Reporting Palestinian Deaths

See? Find headlines from real news outlets that remind you of headlines like those. And just to prove my point: One of them is real.

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???

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Archived link

The head of Russia’s consumer protection watchdog said Monday that “traditional” values will help the country avoid an outbreak of the infectious viral disease mpox, which spreads through close physical and sexual contact.

The World Health Organization declared a global health emergency last week as mpox, also known as monkeypox, continued to spread in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and elsewhere in Africa. The agency notes that the disease “primarily affect[s] men who have sex with men.”

“Considering the peculiarities of the ways it spreads, I’m absolutely sure that [mpox] is not dangerous or scary as an epidemic in Russia with its traditional values,” Anna Popova, who heads Rospotrebnadzor, told the Telegram news channel shot.

A total of three monkeypox cases were detected “over the entire past period,” Popova said without specifying which time period she meant. “We didn’t allow any of it to spread.”

LGBTQ+ rights in Russia have come under pressure over the past decade as officials railed against what they called the antithesis of Russian “traditional” values.

Last year, Russia’s Supreme Court designated the so-called “international LGBT public movement” as “extremist,” a move that essentially places all LGBTQ+ Russians at risk of criminal prosecution.

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The Conference on Disarmament was established in 1979 for negotiating agreements on disarmament and arms control, including nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass destruction.

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/21328111

The machines are distributed by the Texas-based American Rounds.

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Pakistan's parliament has a problem - and it is nothing to do with the politicians.

No, the problem besieging the building - terrifying new starters and turning its offices into overnight “marathon” tracks - is rats. Big ones.

The scale of the problem came to light after an official committee asked to see the records of meetings from 2008. When the records were collected, it was found most had been badly gnawed by rats.

“The rats on this floor are so huge that even cats might be afraid of them,” National Assembly spokesman Zafar Sultan admitted to the BBC.

The infestation is now so widespread that an annual budget of 1.2m rupees ($4,300; £3,300) has been dedicated to making Pakistan’s halls of power rat-free.

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/18888722

Thirty-six flights were cancelled and 201 delayed at a Japanese airport on the weekend after a pair of scissors went missing in a store near the boarding gates.

Security checks at Hokkaido’s New Chitose Airport domestic terminal were suspended for about two hours on Saturday morning, leaving hundreds of travellers temporarily stranded.

There were huge bottlenecks and queues as passengers in the departure lounge were forced to retake security checks. 

Authorities tried to locate the missing scissors, which were found at the same store the following day.

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What’s up the phrasing on that headline

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Oh no! Such horrors!

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The X repost has since been deleted. I think what he should really do is post himself in a swimsuit swimming across the swimmably drinkable Yangtze river.

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“It was hiding in the celery," said DEA Special Agent in Charge Robert Murphy. "Obviously, we threw away the celery. That didn’t make it to the store.”

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