Gullible

>Volcano erupts in Indonesia
>Locals don't notice because they have shit weather radar
>747 flies through the dust cloud
>All 4 engines get filled with volcanic ash and burn out
>"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress."
>Spend 12 minutes gliding, dropping 23,500 feet in the process
>The pilots are preparing to be the first 747 ever to attempt a water landing
>Finally one of the engines restarts
>But ILS is offline
>Windscreen is completely opaque due to ash, no way to clean it
>Manage to land running entirely on instruments
>Fatalities: 0
>Injuries: 0
Survivors: 263

>be me
>lifting in the garage
>mom walks in with a plate of tendies with chinese sauce
>always told mom to not to come to the garage while I lifted
>always told mom to never look me in my eyes while I lifted (its where my demons hide)
>she made eye contact
>the plate fell from her hands
>the young man she had been raising had turned into a FUCKED UP beast
>she covers her mouth with both her hands as she lets out a yelp
>turns around and runs away
>put the rusty barbell down
>calmly walk up to the mirror and smash it as I see the beast too
Gosh dang it /fit/, we were gonna go shopping this weekend. What do I do now?

Oh god, one of these threads? Here we go…
>be in third grade at a school assembly
>have to shit real bad, feeling ill and feverish
>we all get seated on the gym floor
>holy fuck Hugo the Hornet is here! (Charlotte Hornets' NBA team mascot back when they were the Charlotte Hornets)
>still have to shit so bad that I'm having cold sweats
>wearing gymshorts, no underwear (I had a phase in elementary school where I just didn't wear any, felt good man)
>Hugo the Hornet starts picking up kids and flipping them over in his hands and setting back down
>starting to feel dizzy from holding in my shit
>see him walking my way
>he's coming RIGHT FOR ME
>he picks me up and begins to flip me over
>he's squeezing my gut
>as I'm upside down, diarrhea begins to fly out of my ass and out the leg of my shorts, arcing through the air gracefully
>start screaming
>gets all over Hugo and sprays all over the kids sitting in front of me, hear it plop on the gym floor as well
>it also gets all over my face and in my mouth because I was screaming
>Hugo then drops me on my fucking head, into a pile of my own shit, hear him loudly say "WHAT THE FUCK"
>Hugo takes off his head and reveals himself as a black man. He pukes on the floor.
>the music has stopped, the room is dead silent
>assume the fetal position
>covered in my own shit and can't stop farting/shitting as I lay there
>start crying
>pass out
>wake up with someone carrying me out of the gym, holding me at a distance
>the tiny breathable holes in my gymshorts work like a shit colander, leaking shit water everywhere, leaving the hard bits in my shorts
>pass out again
From then on i was "The kid who shit on Hugo the Hornet"

Everyone is allowed childish, irrational fears. Some people hate clowns, others spiders, water, etc. For me it's hornets.
>be me
>senior in high school
>a mistake in scheduling sophomore year led me to end up not taking a mandatory sophomore level science class as a senior
>alright whatever
>it's the last class of the day so that's good at least
>spend most of the time sleeping and dicking around
>ace all the tests anyways
It should be mentioned we were learning about biology and insects of some kind or another at this time, which prompted this.
>Some kid says he caught a giant fuck hornet and that he should bring it to show in class teacher says this is a great idea
>I loudly voice my concerns
>my hatred for the creatures are well documented
>am ignored
>I hear the foreshadowtron firing up in the background
>NEXT DAY
>in seat
>kid walks in
>has the biggest fucking hornet I've ever seen
>not as in "biggest I've ever seen in real life" this was literally bigger than any picture or video I've ever seen of a hornet.
>panic mode on standby
>kid brings it up to the front of the class and the teacher starts talking about hornets and stuff
>I can't even focus
>the hornet looks pretty docile at least.
>"Shake him a bit and see if that wakes him up"
>I make an insightful comment about why that is a fucking retarded idea
>I am ignored
>hornet does wake up, and it's pissed
>kid forgot to secure the lid of this shitty plastic container
>HORNET FUCKING PUSHES OUT THE LID AND FLIES OUT OF THE CONTAINER
>kids scream
>teacher says in a firm but calm voice "Nobody panic"
>she has the situation under control
>I do not
>Hornet flies straight toward me
>NOW IS A PERFECTLY GOOD TIME TO PANIC
>FIGHT OR FLIGHT ENGAGED
>FIGHT MODE ENGAGED
>bolt up, scream obscenities and throw my fucking desk at the thing
>misses entirely, skips off another desk and wrecks the kid who brought it in
>books and papers fly fucking everywhere
>whiteboard falls and takes out the front row of students
>the hornet's buzzing shifts from "I'm about to be angry" to a higher "I am completely fucking angry" buzz
>FLIGHT MODE ENGAGED
>teacher screams "ANON CALM DOWN"
>"FUCK THAT"
>football tackle through the group of children crowded around the door and bust it open
>hear the cracking of skulls on linoleum
>turn left and run out of the school, into my car, and drive home, still in blind panic
>NEXT DAY
>walk into classroom through noticeably broken door
>everyone in class has horrible bruises on them either from where the hornet stung them or from being caught in the collateral damage of my escape
>kid who got hit by the desk isn't in class, find out later he had to get a neck brace
>dead fucking silence
>everyone is staring at me
>say "I don't like hornets"
>sit down and pretend nothing happened
Fucking hornets, man

[typos preserved]

>be me
>4th grade
>bring 3 sharpners to school
>friend tells me thats a lot of sharpners
>bring 3 more sharpners the next day >friend gives me his sharpner to grow my collection
>start collecting more and more sharpners
>go to stationary every week to by more sharpners
>collect about 70 sharpners by the end of the month
>start bringing a tiny bag to carry thoes sharpner
>english teacher asks for a sharpner
>offer her the bag thinking she'd be impressed
>sees all my sharpners and writes a note to my parents
>only allowed to bring 1 sharpner
>idea.jpg
>make a huge sharpner out of cardboard
>dad helps me to color it with red and silver spray paint
>display it on my table during the english period
>get sent to the office

fun days

[typos preserved]

>Be Polish
>Get extremely drunk one night at a bar with a friend
>Walk home
>See bottle of pills
>Friend dares me to take the entire bottle of pills
>Extremely drunk so do it
>Wake up in hopsital
>Docter speaks French
>Wtf.jpg
>Don't remember anything
>Imediatly call my friend
>He tell me when we where walking trough the garage of my appartment building the pills kicked in and I ran into my car and drove away
>He hasn't heard of me in 4 days
>Hang up on my friend in shock
>Finally they get a docter that speaks english
>Docter tells me i showed up in a random French village, broke trough someone's window, shit on their counter and collapsed
>Docter ask me what happend
>Idk.jpg
>A day later they send me back to poland

No one knows what i did in those 4 days.

>be Filthy Frank
>gradually develop legitimate performing career
>scrub the internet of old shitposts as best as possible
>become Joji
>eventually people forget about Frank
>gain increasing fame and fortune
>performing one night in packed coliseum
>crowd is losing their minds to see Joji sing
>come out on stage in pinkguy costume
>stage is decorated to look like Frank's old apartment
>start performing all the hits from the Filthy Frank days
>"I eat ass", "Finna bust a nut", "Peanut butter on my balls, let the dog lick it", all the hits
>joined on stage by the old crew
>audience is in tears of shock and sadness
>turns out Joji was just the setup for the ultimate trolling of normies
>he got 'em one last time

>work at small local restaurant as a waiter
>get fired because the manager is a bitch and was upset at me not selling bough desserts
>make a few fake google accounts posing as old people and over the course of a week i leave 3 star reviews saying shit like "what happened to the nice waiter?"
>convince a few friends to do the same
>review bomb the resturant and it goes from 4.5 stars to 3.5 in no time
>mfw at the end of the month i get called by the manager saying she wants me back
>over the next month i slowly change all the reviews from 3 stars to 5
>get a raise
>mfw

Lividpepe.png
>be me
>have freakout on antidepressant, go to psych hospital
>nurse asks if I hear voices
>say "yours" being a smart ass
>her eyes get big and she walks away
>weeks later reading medical records
>patient thinks he can read minds
>this fucking … seriously
>psychology was better when everyone was on cocaine talking about dicks

Wagie thread?
>Be me
>Work at McDonald's and don't talk to anyone
>On fryers one day when coworker approaches me
>"Hey anon, what's fresh?"
>"Nothing much, how about you?"

He was on break and wanted some chicken.

>be on vacation in Mexico with mom and gf
>get seawater in ear, ear infection develops
>gets bad
>like REALLY bad
>they think I'm just being dramatic, pissy and not wanting to do anything but eat aspirin and lie in the room
>wake up in the morning with pillow stuck to the side of my head
>wtf
>peel it off, pillow covered in blood, hair matted with blood
>doyoufuckingbelievemenow.gif
>go to Mexican hospital
>specialist is called in on his day off
>goes into my ear with exploratory camera
>sees problem, it's a mass of infected flesh resulting from damage to the ear canal from a previous infection and never healed right
>goes in with this little vacuum thing and camera and sucks it right the fuck out

I'm not exaggerating when I say it was THE single most amazing feeling l've ever felt. I literally said to my gf as we were walking out that that little Mexican man had just pleased me in ways you could never even hope to achieve. It was like $400 all said and done. 10/10 experience would recommend

>be me
>highschool gym class
>shirts vs skins
>take off shirt
>gym teacher sees my bruises
>get called into office
>asked if bruises are from home
>no these are from school
>oh ok
>never chosen for skins again
>thanks gym teacher