I asked my wife if she thought I was autistic. She was surprised at the question because she specifically sought an autistic spouse and had been operating under the assumption for no less than five years.
this post was submitted on 08 Jul 2024
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Where do I find the filter by autism feature on tinder?
We met on an adult literature/fanfiction website, so sorry but I can’t help you there! I suck at dating, she hates dating, and we both have little patience especially with people. We’re basically hermits.
How did it start?
Was it on Archive of our Own?
No it was more niche, but we have both contributed there. I really liked her writing voice. I commented on many of her posts, eventually becoming the one to ask her first if we could work on something together. We partnered up on a few stories and observed that we have a lot in common in how we think and see the world through the challenges our characters faced in the story. We kept open a Chatzy and sometimes Skype (it was the fashion of the time!) for collaboration, and we ended up spending a lot of time just hanging out virtually and not actively focused on the writing. We became friends over about three months and the authorship context slowly became less and less important to our friendship, even though we still write today.
I was in a toxic romantic relationship on the side at that time that came to an abrupt end, and we had the talk about how we seem really compatible. Surely we could have a better relationship than the one I was leaving. I joked with her like: hey, you wanna have a couple of kids for me? And she was like: sure! That makes a lot of sense to me and would be great character development for you.
Great story, thanks
Where do you find shells big enough?
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😆
I'm curious; did she say why?
She’s a very unique person and thought it would help her prospective spouse understand her needs. She has neurodivergent tendencies.
Glad that worked out for her. Has she ever been interesting in seeing if its just tendencies? That sounds like she might be autistic herself to me
I think it’s more that she doesn’t see the value in putting a label on it, but I would not be surprised if it was something. Practically speaking, I’m not sure any formal diagnosis would help her. She was fortunately always able to live independently, which is not true for everyone, but for that reason I’m not sure how fruitful it would be to pursue.
She has not expressed an interest in exploring her uniqueness in a professional setting.
I'm certainly nowhere near your wife, but I've always thought I'm somewhere on the spectrum, but getting a diagnosis wouldn't impact much. I'm certainly introverted (I loved COVID since it gave me an excuse to avoid people), have manageable social anxiety, and probably a few other related symptoms, but none of that impacts my life in any meaningful way. Of my roommates in college, my "closest" one had been diagnosed w/ Aspergers and was very high functioning (liked social situations, but had to mentally process social cues and would frequently ask if he interpreted them correctly).
I'm guessing a lot of people could be diagnosed somewhere on the spectrum, but don't bother because it doesn't impact their lives enough to need any kind of remediation. If you're happy, able to meet obligations, and have healthy relationships (whatever that means for you), there's really no need to get a formal evaluation.
She suspected for five years, but that question confirmed it.
I can relate.
At work, I’ve worked with a LOT of autistic people. We had about twenty on staff over the years, all over the spectrum.
People always say how working with autistic people can be difficult and that there might be challenges. There’s even training on ‘how to work with autistic people’. But I found quite the opposite - autistic people are a joy to work with for me. We can talk for ages about interesting things, but we can also enjoy a bit of quiet time.
Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert, but I find dealing with the ‘normal’ people at work much more exhausting. Working with the autistic people is a breeze. Most of the things you read about as ‘challenges’ make perfect sense to me. As a result, we run a VERY productive department.
So either I’m autistic, or autistic-adjacent enough to where I don’t see challenges, but just people.
I’m in my early 40’s so a diagnosis wouldn’t really change things for me anyway. But my sister who works as a psychologist basically told me that I’ve got enough traits of it that she wouldn’t be surprised if I was autistic myself.
Same here, similar age.
When i got diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, ny psychologist mentioned that I'm probably on the spectrum as well, but that getting an official diagnosis wouldn't really help anything and she wasn't sure I would even get one.
But having the realisation really opened my eyes though, I now understand better why certain situations always made me irritable and made me have much more peace with my own limitations.
I always knew I was a bit 'off', and knowing I'm on the spectrum kind of felt like the last pieces of the puzzle fell in place.
Some people definitely can benefit from a diagnosis, even later in life. Especially if it’s the missing ‘piece of the puzzle’ like you mentioned.
For me, the things that might feed into a specific diagnosis also are just… the way I am. It’s not like I’m suddenly going to work on them because now there’s a label attached. They’re the quirks that make me, me.
I grew up in an era where autism basically didn’t exist. You just were a bit - or a lot - weird. And you had to conform or deal with it on your own. Nobody was ‘on the spectrum’ when I attended school. So I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a lot of adults out there who have missing puzzle pieces.
It's extremely likely you're on the spectrum. Neurotypicals who do well with neurodivergents usually have to make an effort to do so.
Yeah I’m probably not autistic, but I have adhd and frankly all y’all (neurotypical people and autistic people) are equally exhausting. I prefer autistic people because they go in expecting difficulties communicating and account for it
That’s definitely something that I’ve noticed in other colleagues outside of our department - they tend to see us as ‘different’, based on some of the talk I’ve picked up over the years.
We’re generally a more introverted, quiet writing department. Which is a stark contrast to the extroverted, loud sales department. To us, they are quite different as well…
We’re generally on friendly terms between departments, but outside of purely necessary work interactions, neither group would choose to voluntarily hang out with the other outside of work. I usually try to bridge that gap a bit, but that too takes a bit of effort on my part.
Still, it doesn’t really matter if I’m on the spectrum or not. It’s not going to really change my outlook on work or life in general.
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I'm the exact same way. I had several roommates in college, and my favorite announced on the first day that they had aspergers, and asked us to help out in processing social interactions. That was by far my favorite roommate at college, probably because I'm quite introverted and we shared interests.
Likewise, one of my best friends in high school was visibly autistic, with very focused hobbies in collectible card games, WWII history, and political science (theory, not candidates). They went through a period of depression likely triggered by separation anxiety when moving away from home, and now they're a therapist working with similar people.
Each of those were very good at getting things done (far more reliable than me), and they were super interesting to talk to in their areas of interest. I wish we had more people on the spectrum at work, because my management style is very compatible with that (very low-touch, unless you're actively lying to me).
The roommate and friend sound awesome. I’ve been the ‘emotional support normie’ for a few people on the spectrum over the years. Some do appreciate a bit of handholding in certain situations and I’m happy to oblige. And all love having someone to talk to about specific interests, who won’t slow them down or cut them off.
I also LOVE what I like to call ‘random autistic encounters’.
I like movies for example. I see about three per week at my local theatre, always the early, nearly empty showtimes. Movies are a solo activity for me; something I get to enjoy without it sapping my energy.
Turns out, the almost empty showings also tend to attract autistic people as they’re not as taxing. So the past year, I’ve sat next to a few regulars who’ve struck up post-movie conversations with me after they’d seen me a few times. I’m apparently a very welcoming person to talk to.
They know we share at least movies as an interest, so they’ll walk up and start a conversation about that. But after about 10 minutes, we’re talking about stuff ranging from video games to anime, ancient Roman history, board games, obscure 1990’s German railway trivia or whatever else they or I might be into. And after half an hour of chatting with this complete stranger, they’ll casually mention ‘I’m autistic…’
Usually my reply is ‘well duh, that’s obvious’. I’ll explain that I work with autistic people and that I can pretty much spot one on sight by now :D
It’s always fascinating how people think autistic people are quiet or don’t like talking. They’ll happily talk your ear off for an hour straight if you actually engage with them. I’ve met some wildly interesting folks that way.
As to work: we have a very structured workplace with a very set routine, fixed deadlines, that sort of thing. The people we’ve had really thrive in our line of work. As long as the work gets done on time, they get a LOT of freedom in how they do it. We’re very much hands-off management.
We actually actively hire people on the spectrum for our department through a job placement program. We’re such a good fit for them, they really flourish at our company and leave with more confidence. We’re willing to work with their specific challenges, as they’re overall awesome employees.
I think those training videos are more for workplaces like mine where they fired my old boss for accommodating me too much
That’s gotta suck. At least in my job, our company owner has a daughter with severe autism so he’s very understanding of the specific needs of people who work there and are on the spectrum. We do probably accommodate a bit too much in some things, but if it keeps people happy and productive, I don’t see that as a bad thing.
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Empathy is a hell of a drug.
I had a similar experience.
- Most of my friends were generally similar: straight-shooters, into science, and unique.
- I had a friend whose kid I related to so much, that eventho I am generally pretty bad with kids, they used to ask me for advice on how to address certain issues with him.
- When I was at a farmer's market, I saw some toys that looked interesting. I asked the salesperson what they were for, and she responded saying that they were for autistic kids because it helps them calm down. I seriously said, "Man, those autistic kids know what's up." I bought two of the toys. One was for the kid mentioned above, and the other was for me.
A year later, a friend that is a psychologist tells me that I'm autistic. I get a formal evaluation just to make sure, and yep, I'm certainly autistic. For the next year, all these odd experiences in my life start to make sense:
- I tell my friends and they said that they are autistic too and thought I knew because it was so obvious.
- I learn that flappy hands is an autism thing. The kid mentioned flapped his hands whenever he would get excited. They weren't necessarily asking me how to raise their kid. They were asking me for advice with autistic traits and issues.
- They toy was a fidget toy, and I bought one for myself because it was soothing... because I am autistic and adhd.
I got in trouble a lot for the flappy hands thing lol
Wtf. Why would anyone care that a kid flaps his hands? To me, it's so cute and endearing. They are visually communicating how happy and excited they are. It hurts no one, only spreads joy. Sorry you went through that 😕
Because some people interpret it as flamboyantly queer when a male does it.
Even still!
Why give someone heat for that?!
It sounds like you’re asking why assholes act like assholes. It’s a question as old as time
...but why?
Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Next time I'll try and read the room better
one of us. one of us. one of us. ♾️
Oh, I completely agree. It's vile. That's just how thoroughly entrenched the homophobia is in "traditional" patriarchal groups. Patriarchy doesn't like the queer because our very existence undermines the premise of their entire power structure. This is also the same reason that most of these chuds don't care much for the neurodivergent. We don't fit into the status quo, typically.
It only led to me masking it, I wouldn't really say it was traumatising. And it's probably for the best that I cut out the habit 🤣
However, that's not where my frustrations lie. My mother contacted my primary school and asked them about it and if I did it during the day or just with my mum around, etc. My mum obviously isn't an expert in Child psychology, however the school should have probably seen it as a tell-tale sign of autism. Instead they just told me off for doing it. Ironically it became a joke among my friends who just thought "That's just flax being flax".
Years later I have finished compulsory education and I am seeing a psychiatric nurse, he just mentions "oh and just to make sure, you have autism by the way?" and it was the first I heard of it. He told me that he had just assumed that I had it. Was put on a several year long waiting list and finally got diagnosed.
Also turns out several family members thought I had it, one who was studying to be a teacher, but my mum just ignored their opinion ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (not to rip on her or anything, she just wasn't as well educated on it, had just assumed all people with autism were low functioning)
I'm happy you're doing good 😊
Much better than how things used to be. I now feel accomplished when I manage to do a basic task instead of ashamed at my struggle to do it 🤣
Can read the emotion in the text. Thanks for sharing that.
You're welcome 😊
The way my counsellor put it was “straight people don’t spend a lot of time wondering whether they’re gay”.
Lol, probably is.
I don't think anyone loves MTG, which is why she's so hate-filled... The rest was cute though!
This is the internet and I can't tell if you're joking, but in case you're not: MTG here refers to Magic: The Gathering
I mean, it wasn't a great joke... But I think we should use MtG to distinguish Magic from the toxic congresswoman-harpy!
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Yeah, I'm having hard time understanding what else it could be. Ddg results are filled with the card game, but there's 1 news article about some politician in some random shithole country
some politician in some random shithole country
That's us! So proud...
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