I would still challenge you about the attitude that everything is completely outside your control. You've heard the quote, "the harder I work the luckier I get"?

Yes, our opportunities are constrained by the world around us. If you tell a kid they can become president, that's almost certainly not true. But by working on yourself, by recognizing your strengths, by focusing on what's important to you, you can position yourself to take advantage of the opportunities you get.

In the dating world that could look like participating in activities you enjoy that also involve other people (tabletop games, bird watching, skydiving whatever). You might never meet someone at those things, but by increasing the volume of human interaction, you're improving your odds, while also honing your social skills if the occasion arises.

It doesn't require trying to be someone you're not, and will also be counterproductive if you do. In sales sometimes they'll tell you to "go for the no." If someone isn't going to buy you want to find that out quickly so you can spend your time on someone who will. In a relationship, if someone is going to reject who you are, you want to find that out quickly, not pretend to be some other person.

[–] archonet@lemy.lol -5 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I never said everything is outside your control, don't put words in my mouth. There are some things you can change, and some things you can't. And after spending long enough trying different things and taking stock of what I've tried in the dating game, and not a single human being has ever had any genuine interest in me, as I approach my 30s -- I have come to this conclusion not through flip "woe is me" bullshit over a night of binge drinking, this is years of depression and deep thought on it. I accept the reality that is presented to me, and the reality is that whatever drives others away is simply not something I can change, and my best going theory is I'm just an annoying fucking spastic who can't see through bullshit. That's not to say I know that for certain, just that I've tried changing up everything that I can (and am willing to) change to attract another person -- from small things to large -- and it's never helped, and I've tried for long enough.

Some of us just aren't meant to have certain things in life.

[–] abbadon420@lemm.ee 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Not with that attitude, no.

Sorry, that's not a nice thing to say, but in your other comment you say something completely differen "it is what it is". That is a much better approach and also your own words as well. I think that one is actually "the key to happines". You might not have been able to find a compatible partner now, but you're not even 30. It would've been nice to have someone by now, but getting older does not mean that you've wasted your chances to find love. That's the vibe I get from you. But it is not true. There are tons of stories of people finding love later in life. Even in elder care homes.

It is what it is, that is true. Don't let bad luck get you down, but also don't close yourself off for future possibilities. Be your own person and just live your life in the now and try to focus more on the good parts. Other good things might come later, or not, it is what it is.

[–] archonet@lemy.lol -1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Ah, yes, "your attitude now is bad so clearly your attitude was always bad and that's why you're alone". Naw, I used to have a better attitude, as I said in my original comment, and having a good attitude didn't help one bit (which was the point of my original comment). And trying to pretend it does, doesn't help anyone -- I could have the sunniest disposition in the world, but that doesn't change shit about the world around me -- being an optimist doesn't help you if, say, the house is on fire. And the world around me wants very little to do with me romantically, and pretty much always has. I can either accept that, or I can live in denial of it, but neither changes it.

[–] orcrist@lemm.ee 1 points 3 months ago

Right. You worked for something maybe seriously for a decade, it didn't work out, but you might live for another 60 years. Hey if you want to sacrifice the future based on the past that's okay, but the reality is we have no idea what's going to happen. In many countries, there are expressions that essentially state that men don't even start looking attractive until they hit their 30s. And I know dozens of men who got married in their thirties or forties or fifties. Of course you don't have to get married, that's cool too, but let's not pretend that it's totally impossible just because it didn't work out for you so far.