ncc21166

mrrp

As a sort-of developer myself (mostly network automation tools and backend things), it's not something I'd really share publicly. Not because of shame, or even worries of safety. Just because I don't really share my code or projects with the public anymore. I haven't worked on open source software in a long time. I wish I still could, but it's not in the cards for me. Most of my "a bit idle" time has unfortunately gone into obsession over "perfecting" my transition. We'll see if therapy helps there, but I honestly think it would just shift to life planning endeavors instead.

That said, maybe look at this with a different lens: while it would be good to band together and write our own things, software doesn't have a gender. Find projects that help with things you believe are worth doing. Sometimes it's tools to help the transgender community directly (https://github.com/cvyl/awesome-transgender could use some updating here!) and sometimes it's just making the world a better place for humans to be kind and helpful to each other.

I get the desire for community, though. I've posted about this myself, but it's very difficult to find people that "get it" who aren't already trans or questioning. I'd love a circle of friends to relate with. The software world can be pretty socially closed off, sometimes!

Welcome to the fold, sister 🐧🧦⚧️

Whatever you do, please get a first aid kit and learn how to use it (and rotate the perishables!). I understand the point here is to defend yourself, but keeping yourself and others from losing their lives to injury is just as important.

After viewing and funeral shenanigans of having to be dead named and referred to as "son in law" and "husband" all weekend, I would welcome this. I think I may just visit the specialty ice cream shop and suggest it for dinner to my spouse instead of normal food.

Hey, I know this feeling. Let it pass. Dwelling here leads to bad places that nobody should have to be in. You deserve love and peace, just as much as anyone else. Please don't be a statistic! If you need help, reach out! DMs are fine here. Call the Trevor Project if you're still feeling this way. It hurts me worse than dysphoria to see stories like yours. They're valid feelings and they're real, but they stem from external factors. Push them away and spend some time thinking about the you that you love 💖

;{ You don't have to stop here. Pause, collect yourself, and keep telling your story!

Transfemme here, and I just wanted to say that anyone who refuses to accept you in a queer space would be a hypocrite. You're valid being you, whatever you happen to be feeling that day! A good friend of mine has an afab child who realized they were non-binary in early high school. They're in college now and doing just fine, though still exploring what that means to them. Just like we never stop learning our whole lives, I don't think we ever stop discovering things about our own selves, either. I didn't come out until I was 40, and there's a long road ahead of me to find out just how far down the femme road I need to go to feel right, too. Just hang in there and be the you that feels right! That's valid and should always be accepted!

Listen I tried. I actually went to what I thought was going to be my therapy appointment and all I got was: "I'm not a therapist. This is a consultation. You should se a therapist, though! Here's a list; see if any of them are covered by your insurance. And I have no idea if any of them are trans-affirming". So yeah, I tried to do something, but ended up doing nothing. I'm still a dysfunctional bitch, though.

One thing I wanted to mention but didn't: I wrote this to show that it could be possible to be you and be in a loving relationship. They don't all have to end just because of a change. My spouse and I still love each other as much as the day we met. I'm starting thereapy to work through my transition, and at some point I will bring them in for a couples session (or as many as we need!) to make sure we are both doing the things that are right for us. I'd love to remain in this marriage the rest of my life. I hope they do as well, but if there are needs I can no longer fulfill or the attraction isn't there anymore, I'm willing to accept that. Life was never fair (I'd have been born with two X chromosomes if it was!) and I know that changes can come and that some can be worse than others. For now though, I have a trusted partner, best friend, and loving spouse to help me through it, all in the same person.

There's a lot of great advice here already, so I'm not going to reitreate. Instead, I'm going to offer an anecdote:

My egg cracked 11 years ago. At the time, my spouse and I had been married for 5 years and together for 10. They meant the world to me and were the only thing driving me every day. I always said that my career was second; they were the smarter one (higher academic degree, more published papers, more detailed mathematical work) and so I could pick up anywhere and do whatever as long as they were doing what they wanted. I would then and would still, now, gladly take a bullet to keep them safe.

I put this out there to lay the foundation for my decision when I discovered, cognitively, that I was transfemme. My immediate and lasting reaction was to shove that in a box and bury it. I refused to harm our relationship or my spouse in ANY way, including but not limited to: socially, emotionally, economically, physically. I was thinking about the direct and indirect effects on them from knowing, and dealing with, me, my transition, or the way others would react to it with them or to them.

I missed a very important factor in all of this: me. Forgetting, just for a moment, how miserable it is to live through over a decade of dysphoria without help or even a verbal outlet, I harmed my spouse by being absent from life in general. I was always stuck inside my own head thinking about how life could be instead of how it was at the moment. After I came out, received a diagnosis and eventually began HRT, they told me they could tell I was actually with them again. I was there. Physically, sure, but also mentally! I was aware in full of the world and events around me and actively taking part in life again.

Did I do some damage? Yes. Some of it is yet to be realized, since I still fully pass in boymode and am sticking to that in public for quite some time. The difference is that the issues we face now and will face in the future are ones we'll face together. I won't face them alone inside my head and they won't face them without me really being in the moment. We're actually a couple again, everyday, and I wouldn't give this up for anything.

I have one regret. I regret not doing this a decade ago.

Dandelion, have you ever considered writing professionally? You answer so many questions with thoughtful, insightful, and exquisite prose. A "transition experiences guide" or a memoir from you would make for a delightful read.

Also, I definitely needed to read this comment today. I spent the day boymoding and doing home renovation and it was unpleasantly dysphoric. I am not intending to be misogynistic, because there are plenty of women around me absolutely nailing the homeowner thing, but standing on a ladder getting caulk in my fingernails and forcing a hammer drill into a wall is not my idea of a good time.

This definitely happened to me a LOT when I was growing up. Oddly enough, right around the time of puberty. Which, now that I think about, explains a lot. Mine was usually right after dreams about being small. I ended up over 6 feet tall by middle school, so that's either an expression of dysphoria, body dysmorphia, or both. I'm going with both.