this post was submitted on 29 Dec 2024
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trying to figure out why my friend's boundary upsets me. Also, missing my dad, who died almost 4 years ago (lemmy.sdf.org)
submitted 5 days ago by grysbok@lemmy.sdf.org to c/AskUSA@discuss.online
15 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

My friend (let's call him Liam) doesn't want to hear about people being hurt or murdered. I'm trying to figure out why being told about this boundary hurts. I see my therapist on Monday, for my regularly scheduled session. So, this is me thinking out loud and trying to process my feelings. It's 2 am here on the East Coast, please pardon my insomniac rambling.

My friend now lives outside the US, but grew up here. We were college roommates.

  • Maybe I'm jealous that he is comfortable enough that he doesn't have to work, can travel, and has socialized medicine. He hasn't fought with his health insurance to pay for needed procedures.

  • Maybe I'm upset that his boundary means I can't share large swatches of my life with him. I can't talk with Liam about my health insurance issues because that's too close to violence for me to feel confident I'm not overstepping. I can't talk about my dad because my dad died through my mom's actions. I can't talk about politics because American politics today seems to be about hurting people you don't like. I can't talk about my worries for the future.

  • Maybe I'm upset because his boundary is so broad and vague but also clear enough that I can't ask him for clarification about it without violating it. Is social murder murder to him? I dunno!

  • Maybe I'm upset because it's almost the 4-year anniversary of my dad's death and it's easier to be upset at my friend's confusing boundary than it is to confront the fact my dad's still dead. TBH, this feels pretty solid, based on the amount of tears I'm producing. Circling back, I sure would like to be able to talk with Liam about this, but nope.

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[–] karthnemesis@leminal.space 10 points 5 days ago (1 children)

If you're looking for feedback and thoughts about how one way one could approach this; these are mine.

If we were not that close, I would distance quite heavily from the relationship, if I kept him in my life at all. I personally would not do any further steps unless Liam were incredibly dear to me. Death and violence is a huge part of my life and it is not avoidable. It sounds like it is this way for you, too.

But if he was that important to me, and approaching this as if I were in your position:

I would be certain I would have to have a talk with Liam-- uncertain boundaries are a hard limit of mine.

I would mention that I need to have a conversation regarding clarity in his boundary towards violence, and ask him for a good time to meet up. This lets him adequately prepare for a discussion, which is important when the discussion will likely contain triggers.

I would ask if he'd like to know some of the questions beforehand to prepare his answers. I would keep the outline as snappy as possible without omitting the most important context.

Even if he didn't want the outline, I would keep it for myself for the discussion, so I could stay on task properly and not draw out a hard conversation.

I would talk to my therapist before reaching out, to feel more solid in my plan.

Other thoughts:

It's not a "wrong" thing to be traumatized by violence, but it does sound like his boundary might make your relationship incompatible. If he is triggered by what is a huge part of your life, there's only so much that can be done with that.

I do not think that your own feelings are invalid, and your concerns regarding this make a lot of sense to me. If it turns out that it would make your relationship extremely shallow, it's up to you to decide if it's worth keeping.

[–] grysbok@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 5 days ago

Thanks. I'll re-read this in the morning.

[–] grysbok@lemmy.sdf.org 5 points 4 days ago

Update: I think a fair amount of this was me catastrophizing because of anxiety. I didn't even know if my friend meant to set down the boundary I saw or not. He wasn't explicit.

I'm just not in a good state emotionally right now and am blowing up passing comments he made and worrying them in my head. I want my dad back so much and so maybe it's easier to worry about something that isn't so final.

Thanks, folks. I'll talk with my therapist about it on Monday. Until then, Imma gonna sort a 3 lb bag of vintage buttons, and wash them because they smell like bakelite 😝

[–] OpenStars@piefed.social 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

You cannot control others, and neither can he control you, but any friendship has to involve respect. Whatever his own reasons, and whether valid or not, your choices seem to be restricted to having shallow conversations with him or not at all. Your own feelings are valid too but it would be unfair to try to use him as a therapist or some such if he's explicitly said no. In any case, try to develop friendships closer at hand bc he's moving on with his life and you need to be doing the same. That's really hard, but it's truth.

[–] grysbok@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Thank you.

[–] OpenStars@piefed.social 4 points 4 days ago

And to be extra clear, he needs to respect you as well. Like, he doesn't want to hear about your life? Okay then... but by not allowing you to share with him what is MOST important to you in life, he has placed a strain on your friendship. Perhaps he needs that for reasons of his own, but it is yet one more factor in all of this - please do not take all of the blame for this strain existing, as it is not caused entirely by you.

[–] stinky@redlemmy.com 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

My aunt violates my boundaries a lot but I can't stand to be away from her. I feel kind of "stuck" with being hurt. It's an awful feeling. I hope your friend doesn't get stuck like this

[–] grysbok@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 4 days ago (2 children)

I hope so, too. I don't want to hurt my friend.

Luckily, he has a good support structure that doesn't involve me. He's physically far away, temporarily far away (his bedtime is before I get off work) and we're both bad at keeping in contact.

My prediction is that this friendship will continue to drift apart and I'll just have an added stressor when we do interact that'll discourage me from initiating contact.

[–] OpenStars@piefed.social 4 points 4 days ago

It will definitely change. It can still be quite good though, maybe better in some ways, and not even in spite of but rather bc of the differences in your life paths after parting ways physically/geographically. But you aren't married or anything - it has to be fun for the both of you or it will be harder to maintain.

It sounds like that will be harder on you than on him, at least in the short term. But you are engaging in therapy, and willing to think through what is good for him, good for you, good for your continued friendship, and e.g. how that might be a cover / smokescreen for what's really bothering you inside. That's everything that you need to be doing, and you are doing it, even though it's a process and will take a minute to complete.

And I mentioned elsewhere but it seems worth repeating: find other friendships as well, so that you don't pour all of your hopes and energies into this one that isn't as sustainable as when you were geophysically located closer together. This one will be different now than it was before - but it can be good if you want to put in the effort to maintain it, i.e. not hold out unrealistic expectations that it must remain always the same as it used to be, which ofc it literally just cannot ever do.

[–] m_f@discuss.online 3 points 4 days ago

Yeah, it unfortunately sounds like you might be drifting apart. Hard to say for sure just from reading comments, but that's a thing that happens even though it sucks.

You might get somewhere by asking yourself why this boundary is being put up. It's not explicitly said, but it sounds like this is a new boundary in a longer relationship. Did something happen that caused it? If it's a new boundary, it's probably worth asking your therapist if they can help you figure out a why. More for your own benefit, because even if you figure out a "why", it doesn't sound like it would help the relationship improve.

[–] dragonfucker@lemmy.nz -4 points 5 days ago

So he can't watch Star Wars? He can't read Lord Of The Rings? He can't listen to Superman radio? He can't play Mario?

Drag isn't sure how anyone would even go about having a friendship with someone like that.