Let me put it this way. I've been with my husband for 20 years now and back then we both thought we were NT. By now we both know we're not ๐
this post was submitted on 13 Mar 2024
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I didn't realize I was ND for the longest time, until my doctor brought it up.
I dated quite a few ND folks of different flavors. Some of them I thought were NT but later got a diagnosis.
I am friends with NT people, but I just tend to gravitate towards ND romantically. I don't even think I consciously do it. It's a lot easier to be myself around folks that just "get it" I suppose.
My current partner (ND) and I can play off of each other's strengths. Our shortcomings are not symmetrical at all so we can manage quite well. An example is that I am very organized. I can make sure nothing falls through the cracks. My partner is quite disorganized, but is really good at focusing on tiny minute details of her current task and pulling together something amazing.
I do like hearing from my NT friends and we do sometimes discuss things like current events and things that have happened around us. We like discussing the things that we got and the things we missed. But romantically? I'm not sure if that is for me. Special interests? Missed cues? Weird things I'm particular about? My NT friends can handle that in small doses from me, but I'm not sure they could handle it full time.
Yeah, here's the thing about dating another neurodivergent person: their needs may be exactly what your boundaries are. For example, someone who is completely touch averse pairing with someone who is touch seeking and rejection sensitive. And since they're not trying to be malicious but both of you are more or less intractable because you can only change or compromise on your needs through heavy and painful masking, it can be disastrous.
Also, neurodivergent people can be more ableist than allistic due to how they've internalized criticism and taught themselves to mask.
Now this is all situational and a neurotypical person can be the same way, which is why I say it really doesn't matter if you date a neurodivergent person or a neurotypical person. It's about finding a partner that can empathize and respects you.