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Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
This one is a true story:
I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.
I said, "You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass...assin of yourself."
Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven't come back from rolling into the back of her head
I'm still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly
What's the most common type of owl in the UK?
The Teat-owl
This joke was passed on to me from my mom:
What is black, hides in a tree, and is extremely dangerous?
Answer:
A crow with a machine gun.
Why can't a dog dance?
Because it has two left feet.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Choking noise (🍆)
I knew I wasn't gonna be the first child born, even before I was born. There was graffiti in the womb. ‘Bob was here.'
I don't get it
Well the fetus is in the womb, then it builds upon how you see the 'x was here' graffiti everywhere to show that someone had previously been there. And since someone was there already you can't be the first born.
How do you get down off of an elephant?
YOU DON'T! You get down off of a duck!
Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Extremely nerdy:
Slightly less nerdy:
What's small, green, and has wheels? Grass. I added the wheels to make it sound cooler.
Whenever someone says "oh my god" i say "you may call me [insert name here]"
A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
Why can't your nose by 12 inches long? Then it would be a foot.
“I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I thought to myself, ‘You know, now's the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints.
What did the tree said to the woodpecker? Nothing, trees don't fucking speak.
Tiger Woods. It's no place for a picnic.
I’m going to court next week. I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case. 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant …I don’t think they did it. I know a few of them and they wouldn't do anything like that
What's pink, weighs a ton, and drags at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer
Moby's dick.
What do you call a pirate's finger stuck to the bottom of a sailing ship by a metal rod through the joint? A Barrr-knuckle!
Never break more than one rule at a time. Example: don't drive drunk if you're black.
A guy walks into a bar and he says 'ow'.
Him: Hey, when you're out camping, do you enjoy it when you wake up in the morning and water vapor condensers on your lenses?
Me: DEW EYE?!?
Two pirates walk into a bar, err sorry, two POLICEMEN walk into a bar.
The bar is a shady sort, classic barkeep spits in a glass, and polishes it with a dirty tablecloth.
The policemen sit down each on his own bar stool, but the stools have been recently polished, and one of them slips falling on the floor and snagging his pants on the stool, making them drop to his ankles.
The other policeman in an effort to help his partner, reaches down to help, only to be pulled down by his partner, snagging his own pants while falling and landing crotch-to-butt on top of his partner! Now this is starting to stir up quite the commotion and people are starting to notice this trouble. They both start writhing with pants snagged trying to stand up only for the rubbing to accidentally escalate into a bit of sweaty greasy butt-action, making things even more awkward for the already red-faced policemen! At this point they start pushing and grunting trying there hardest to wriggle out of this position.
spoiler
Then the barkeep shouts: "I KNEW IT, YOU ARE PIRATES!"
A guy told this at a stand-up competition broadcast live a few years ago and nobody in the audience laughed, and nobody watching with me, except for me. It's still one of my favorites :D It kind of has to be told verbally and the more time for "The aristocrats" style shenanigans you have the better. I like to tell it at meetings with clients and then enjoy the crickets once nobody laughs except me :D
Oh, man, I love The Aristocrats joke. Used to have a DVD of that one with a lot of comedians telling their own versions of The Aristocrats joke.
How do blind skydivers know when to deploy their chute?
When the leash goes slack.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she's always running away from balls
