instead the person who called them that hears “You did something wrong for calling me that,” and they get defensive. It’s one of those things that, once you notice, you’ll see it everywhere.

And not just about language and people addressing each other.

This phenomenon has been enhanced and amplified with online discussion, so that now we all "choose" to spend our time around people and spaces that reflect how we already feel about a variety of things. So that as soon as you encounter someone outside of that comfort zone who has different preferences, you will see it as stressful and hostile.

In the Great Before Times, when people talked to each other face-to-face, we all learned pretty fast that we need to be compromising and thoughtful and actually listen to each other without presumption of hate or hostility, or we get pushed away from people and end up alone. Or punched in the snotlocker.

Yep, you really hit the nail on the head

Some older folks have a genuine visceral reaction to “queer” because, whether it’s been taken back or not, you can’t just psychologically undo a lifetime of that word having been weaponized against you.

Tbf, that word in it's original definition literally means "Weird" or "Unnatural". Like: "A circle in the triangle factory? How queer!"

As for all the other words and their association with LGBTQ I have no clue.

And they call them steamed hams, despite the fact that they are obviously grilled?

I do actually call my mom bro, but if like, a friend or coworker said "don't call me that" I just wouldn't do it.

Edit: this is tangential to the real point of the post, which is just to not call people things they don't like.

Bro is harder to argue for sure.

And man, unless it's more, "oh man, that's rough" as an excalamatory rather than "good to see you man" is still gendered.

But dude has never been gendered. It was mostly used by guys towards guys, but the origins of that usage (rather than dude ranches or the derogatory term related to that) it was applied to everyone. Dudette came along later but was essentially created because the usage was male dominated, not because dude was gendered. It's one of the rare gender neutral, inclusive slang terms. So much so that when dudette was thrown around, it got rejected as unnecessary, and was sometimes taken offensively. Same with dudina and dudess.

Mind you, the era where it was mostly an underground slang used in African American circles is murkier, since it was underground, less written at the time, and after it got "borrowed" by white kids lost its popularity there.

But when surfer culture picked it up, and it spread via movies, female surfers were called dude, and used it the same way as female surfers. They were just such a minority that the association didn't stick in pop culture because what got seen was Spicoli, and the association with it as being used by guys about guys got absorbed as the primary usage.

There was no gender division in that origin, nor was there a need for it. There simply wasn't a female specific alternative to dude.

Since it is still used inclusively far more than it isn't, it's usually better to assume the best rather than the worst. Someone duding someone in a casual and friendly way is unlikely to be using it as a gendered term. It's more like buddy, or pal, or even mate than something like bro that started gendered and is still predominantly used that way.