this post was submitted on 23 Jul 2024
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The Internet in Ancient Times

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Welcome to the stone age... or the bronze age... or the iron age... heck, anything with an 'age' is welcome, except our modern age or any ages to come.

This is about what the internet was like thousands of years ago back when it all started. Like when Darius the Great hired mercenaries via Craigslist or when Egypt invented emojis.

CODE OF LAWS

1 - Be civil. No name calling, no fighting, keep your flint hand axes inside your leather pouches at all times.

2 - Keep the AI stuff to a minimum. It gets annoying and old fashioned memes are more fun for everyone.

3 - None of this newfangled modern 21st century nonsense. We don't even know what "21st century" means.

4 - No porn/explicit content. The king is sensitive about these things.

5 - No lemmy.world TOS violations will be tolerated. So there.

6 - There is no ~~rule~~ law 6.

Laws of justice which Hammurabi, the wise king, established. A righteous law, and pious statute did he teach the land. Hammurabi, the protecting king am I. I have not withdrawn myself from the men, whom Bel gave to me, the rule over whom Marduk gave to me, I was not negligent, but I made them a peaceful abiding-place. I expounded all great difficulties, I made the light shine upon them. With the mighty weapons which Zamama and Ishtar entrusted to me, with the keen vision with which Ea endowed me, with the wisdom that Marduk gave me, I have uprooted the enemy above and below (in north and south), subdued the earth, brought prosperity to the land, guaranteed security to the inhabitants in their homes; a disturber was not permitted. The great gods have called me, I am the salvation-bearing shepherd, whose staff is straight, the good shadow that is spread over my city; on my breast I cherish the inhabitants of the land of Sumer and Akkad; in my shelter I have let them repose in peace; in my deep wisdom have I enclosed them. That the strong might not injure the weak, in order to protect the widows and orphans, I have in Babylon the city where Anu and Bel raise high their head, in E-Sagil, the Temple, whose foundations stand firm as heaven and earth, in order to bespeak justice in the land, to settle all disputes, and heal all injuries, set up these my precious words, written upon my memorial stone, before the image of me, as king of righteousness.

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So, I happen to be a king near the Mediterranean (not telling where bc I don't wannna doxx myself), and the other day a messanger ran into my palace shouting "the sea people are coming!".

I told him that there can't be 'sea people' because people live on land and not in the sea, but he kept insisting that there are 'sea people' and they're coming, so I had him drowned to prove that people living in the sea is impossible.

Now all kids in the city are talking about 'sea people' and it's driving me nuts. I hope this trend goes away soon.

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[–] negativenull@lemmy.world 43 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Don't worry, I just sacrificed a nice bull, in hopes of stopping this new cringy trend by the youths

[–] uservoid1@lemmy.world 21 points 1 month ago (3 children)

I did my research, bulls do not work! You should be using virgins instead!!!

[–] bionicjoey@lemmy.ca 16 points 1 month ago (2 children)
[–] stringere@sh.itjust.works 16 points 1 month ago

We prefer the whole creature and not just a portion of the lower leg.

[–] uservoid1@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

A calf? Next you'll suggest the vegan option?? Herb burners like yourself have no regard to tredition

[–] negativenull@lemmy.world 15 points 1 month ago

Damn it! I've been foiled!!

[–] makyo@lemmy.world 13 points 1 month ago (1 children)

And if not virgins, all that’s left as a possibility is kings

[–] hungryphrog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 18 points 1 month ago

Delete this comment right now.

[–] Diplomjodler3@lemmy.world 29 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Just keep killing everybody who mentions any problems. That's sure to make them go away.

[–] hungryphrog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 19 points 1 month ago

Yeah, I've already ordered new torture methods to be invented.

[–] retrospectology@lemmy.world 17 points 1 month ago

If people were meant to go out on the big water place the gods would've made our legs out of wood. Checkmate Yamm worshippers!

[–] PythagreousTitties@lemm.ee 11 points 1 month ago

I wrote a letter to my uncle a couple cities over asking him if he's ever heard of those sea peoples. He must not have, because he never wrote me back.

[–] PapaStevesy@lemmy.world 10 points 1 month ago (2 children)

It's a very fringe theory, but at least one evolutionary biologist believes we came from the sea.

[–] N0body@lemmy.dbzer0.com 14 points 1 month ago

This sorcerer should be put to death immediately. She clearly communes with the Underworld.

[–] hungryphrog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 1 month ago (1 children)
[–] spittingimage@lemmy.world 6 points 1 month ago

Beats me, but apparently they're an evil one. I'll start handing out torches and pitchforks.

[–] Hamartia@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago (1 children)

The Fomorians are eternal and cannot just be wished away. Now prepare your first born as tribute lest we come spoiling.

[–] Hamartia@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

Too late. We comin'

[–] s_s@lemm.ee 5 points 1 month ago

No amount of chariots will save you now.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Just hire them as mercenaries like the Pharaoh did. Problem solved.

[–] harrys_balzac@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 1 month ago

I don't know. The latest polling numbers show a swing away from the nationalist Pharaoh - Ra coalition to the pro-immigration Hyksos party.

[–] some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org 2 points 1 month ago

Don't knock it. They're small so they're hard to spot, but they'll build shrines to you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpijPFtQiK0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdH0gdI2uyw