me_irl

Further, that we live in a society that wants individuals forcefully born

Is there a consensual birth option I'm not familiar with?

within it to sacrifice themselves for said society,

Without at least some sacrifices to society, society ceases to to be. So the choice is some sacrifice vs living in a lawless hellscape.

and self imposed exile is not an escape from this injustice.

If you mean the metaphysical injustice you've described earlier as having to simply exist and responsible for procuring your own food and shelter, sure. That's life. Death is the only escape from life.

Lots of debate and research regarding philosophy, resulting in a lot of critical thinking happened to me. A ruthless desire to get to the truth of reality, no matter how much it hurts.

If that's where you're going, its far less metaphysical in my thinking of it. We are simply self-aware collections of atoms. There's no feeling that drove this existence. Simply evolution at work to have us arrive at where we are today. Proteins fold, amino acids coalesse, and an uncountable versions of that eventually gave rise to us.

If I were to guess if anything emotional fueled those desires, it was a desire to feel self worth. I thought I was an idiot for most of my early life and thought everyone else around me had a grip on practical life things.

I've been there. "Comparison is the thief of joy." Teddy Roosevelt.

That I would have to fake my way through life and perpetually be in a state of imposter syndrome. Tends to make you prefer spending all your time reading and debating on the internet. (and playing video games)

I did that too. I spent a year playing an MMO religiously to the detriment of nearly everything else in my life. After the year had passed I had an epiphany. A year passed and nothing had changed. I was effectively the same person I was the year prior. I had spent one of my precious years of my life doing nothing of consequence. I was a year older and I had nothing to show for it. I thought about all the things I wished I was, wished I had, wished I knew, and how much a year of effort into one of those things would have accomplished.

I had dropped out of college after high school, not completing my degree, and while I was loathed to admit it, I always felt "behind" my same-aged peers. The older I got, the more "behind" I felt and the hard it felt to do anything about it. That is when I developed a mantra that would help me for the next 10 years. "If I hadn't played that game as I did, I would have been a year ahead in my goal." Swallowed my pride and at 30 years old signed back up for undergrad college. It took many years going part time (because I was still working professionally the entire time), but I graduated and now have a Bachelors degree. Any time I was feeling weak or felt like quitting I'd remember "If I hadn't played that game as I did, I would have been a year ahead in my goal." which in my last year became "If I hadn't played that game as I did, I would have graduated by now."

For every large life goal I set after that, I still used a modified version of my mature. Home ownership, career advancement, personal growth, further professional and personal education and skill acquisition all came from realizing that change only came from my action, and nothing came from my inaction.

After a long period of harsh self judgement and self loathing over being stupid, I realized most other people were somehow worse. So now I’m a terrified and alienated egotistical autist. I’d rather be the village idiot that I thought I was.

I came to a different realization. I realized the race in life was never with other people, it was always with the previous version of myself. If you've ever played racing video game with a "ghost" mode where you are see a pale version of yourself representing a prior run on the same course at the same time, this is a helpful visual for me. Here's an old n64 1080, which is snowboarding game. You can see the camera is centered on the the current player on the current run, and the ghost is the one not center in frame.

That ghost is you, but he prior "you". That's who you're competing against. That's who you need to beat. He has no advantages over you. He was born at the exact same time as you, has the same gifts, the same faults. There's nothing about him that you don't have. Except you have a cheat code to the game of life that he doesn't have. You, unlike your ghost in the game, can see where the ghost had difficulty and learn from his mistakes. You can keep practicing to get better, to get farther, to get faster. You have the capacity to always beat him, but you have to try. You have to put in the effort. However, if you are the same person today as you were yesterday, at best you will only be equal to him. Without your effort to improve, the ghost will always cross the finish line the same time you do. You know what it is you don't like about yourself better than any other person on the planet. You also have the capacity to improve or fix many of those things.

The race isn't against other people, it is, and always has been, only against prior versions of ourselves.