In my view, there are two categories of homosexuality: learned/acquired and innate. Some men have been homosexual since they were kids, like staring at their school friend and feel feelings/have a crush on. That's a case of normal, stable homosexuality as far as I'm concerned. Now take my case, I was born straight, always had a crush on girls, always had a totally masculine identity, male engagements, and no, I'm not a Christian. I was simply born straight, but unfortunately, I had early internet access since childhood, and used to watch an overload of porn/hentai, plus early masturbation in childhood. I would spend a lot of time locked in my room using my computer, and over time, I came across pornography, got hooked, and it ended up warping my brain, starting with imagining that I was in the woman's shoes in porn (autogynephilia), that was my first homo sexual desire. Chances are 100% that an abusive watch of porn, hentai, and early masturbation, as well as traumas of neglect and bullying, distorted me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have had any other fetishes that went hand in hand with homosexuality, like cuckolding for example. Whenever I'm horny, and I finish cumming, I regret it right away, as if I'd been possessed while jerking off. So in my opinion homosexuality is both innate and acquired. However, I've been looking all over the internet and only found a few cases.
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"as well as traumas of neglect and bullying" - says it all.
You miss having a strong father figure in your life, because he was either not present, or present but didn't really care for you or protect you. Now that we are adults, the closes relationship we can see where one male takes care of another male - is a homosexual relationship.
I have the feeling you are not gay, just really misses having a proper dad in your life, and your current feelings are just a different manifestation of the true need. You seek male affection and protection, and from the rest of the comment - the regret after masturbation - means you don't need the sexual part at all, you just want the love you see there.