this post was submitted on 09 Nov 2024
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Relationship Advice

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Am i demanding too much from my boyfriend? (lemmy.world)
submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by hs123@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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Hello!

Boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years in December. We live 1 hour and 30 minutes apart and meet as often as we can, usually that‘s once or twice a week.

My boyfriend has changed a lot this year and it has sent me down a spiral. We barely talk, even if he is home all day. When we do talk, it‘s me doing the talking. He responds to my texts maybe 2-3 hours later which usually wouldn‘t be an issue but i‘ve been with this man for 3 years and he was NEVER like this. He told me that sometimes he just doesn’t feel like responding to me anymore, which again i understand but with everything else it just bugs me. The last time we spent quality time together was maybe a month ago? when we meet we don‘t talk much and we don‘t go outside either because he doesn‘t feel like it. I feel used and i feel like my emotional needs are not being met. I asked him many times if he is okay and what‘s wrong but there is never anything wrong. He doesn‘t seem depressed either. He seems okay with all of this. I am very confused and i communicated my confusion so many times, i feel like my tongue will fall off if i do it again. When we do go outside or when we are in the car, i want to use that opportunity to talk to him because i feel so disconnected from him but he always listens to loud music in his earbuds and it makes me feel like he doesn‘t really want to speak to me anymore. It was my birthday a while back and he had nothing planned, which made me really sad because i planned so much for him. He didn‘t even get me a small cake or a muffin, nothing. He also, and i know this doesn‘t matter but it just upset me, he makes 4x as much money as me because i am a college student with a part-time job and he works full time. I got him a gift over 150 bucks and his gift was maybe 30 max? not even what i wanted and he didn‘t have it ready on my birthday.

2 weeks ago we had an argument. I was at Uni and i had a terrible day and was crying on the train back home and he wasn‘t responding to me the whole day, so i texted my friend and she comforted me and offered to watch a movie online together when i am home. So i did that. My boyfriend was upset that i didn‘t call him when i got home and didn‘t want to speak to him after. I was hurt, because i really was struggling and i don‘t ask for help often but he wasn‘t there even though i know he was on his phone because i kept seeing his reposts.

I really don‘t know what to do anymore. When i try to communicate he really seems like there is no issue at all and he is okay with not speaking to me. He also told me that he is tired from work and can‘t help it but i just don‘t understand. He talks to other friends but having a conversation with me is too much for him.

Does this sound like he doesn‘t love me anymore?

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[–] BananaTrifleViolin@lemmy.world 11 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

It takes two people to make a relationship work. It sounds like you are making the effort but he has disengaged.

I think you have done everything you can to get him to engage and see your concerns, what you want from him and how to save this relationship.

I think you know you're at a crossroads hence asking for advice.

You have to ask yourself a question: do you enjoy being in this relationship now? Forget about how it used to be, the question is the way the relationship is right now - is this adding to your life, does it make your life better, is it making you happier?

If the answer is no then I think it's time to move on. There is no point wasting time in a relationship that is not going anywhere. You've given him the opportunity to be better, or to share what's going wrong if there is a problem. Now it's time for you to make a decision on what to do next.

Its always hard when a relationship comes to an end, but beware the sunken cost fallacy. Just because you have put lots of time and effort and emotion into this relationship, it doesn't mean it's worthwhile continuing on doing that.

Ultimately there may be someone else for you who can offer you what you want, and would be happy to be with you. So while it's scary ending a relationship, this does open the door to future happiness with someone else.