Hi! I (21M) recently developed a lot of tender feelings towards the idea of a particular kind of relationship lately.
For many years, I knew that I was heterosexual, but I never felt any romantic spark that made me want to actually pursue a relationship. Eventually, I assumed that I wasn't interested, but a part of me always wondered if I was wrong.
One day, I got bored and tried to imagine a hypothetical relationship that would feel wonderful and natural for me, irrespective of societal norms. After hours of roleplaying hypothetical scenarios and writing down what made my heart the most happy, I finally settled upon a coherent vision for a theoretical partner.
She'd be really sweet and loving, but the twist is that she'd often take lead over me. She'd be on the confident and assertive side and would totally break my brain. She would often initiate affection unexpectedly, and I'd get all flustered and totally melt for her. She would adore my softness instead of expecting me to suppress it. She would call me cute nicknames like "Cupcake" or "Pumpkin", and I would feel very comfortable and safe with her.
This blew my mind because it went against everything I thought hetero relationships were. And yet, I responded so strongly to it. I began searching to see if anyone else felt this way and I found "role reversal," a term referring to the inversion of traditional heterosexual relationship dynamics. I found a role reversal community and it had the most adorable art I've ever seen and perfectly encapsulated what I wanted. (Some of this content can be found on Lemmy at !rolereversal@lemmy.ml. I love this post in particular. Honestly, I'm thinking of reviving it and posting content there myself!)
A day later, I woke up with constant euphoria and a nonstop firehose of vivid romantic fantasies. It lasted all day, every day. For 10 days straight. My feelings were so intense that I barely ate anything and only slept for 3-4 hours a night without getting tired.
Those fantasies not only showed me how wonderful a relationship would feel, but also that I myself would want to be very affectionate and adaptive to my partner's needs, not just my own. I was enamored with the idea of being the sweetest, most loving boyfriend I could be for her. It wasn't long before I wanted a relationship like this more than anything else.
In retrospect, perhaps it's unsurprising that my ideal relationship would be nontraditional. After all, I have spent my whole life fighting masculine gender expectations. I'm super outwardly emotional, I love to make people happy, I'm very gentle, I love adorable things, and I make myself look cute, nerdy, and non-threatening. I loved it when some of my female friends called me adorable and gave me cute nicknames, and I was full of admiration and gratitude when one of them physically protected me.
I feel like the phenomenon of role-reversed relationships is likely more common than the actual usage of the term. But perhaps I'm still a bit of a unicorn. So, what do you think? Have you seen relationships like this in the wild? Have you known about these dynamics, or are they unfamiliar to you? I'd like to know your thoughts!
So, I'm not going to speak to the sexual side of it, but I will speak to the gender role side.
Fuuuck gender roles. I'm a male, in my thirties, and fuck gender roles so hard. Truly, just throw them away, everyone. I absolutely love my SO, and neither one of us fit the "normal" roles that society picked out.
She's assertive, she's strong, she speaks her opinion. She works, she goes out with her friends, and she is the one who got me into drinking beer. She introduced me to other types of video games, and she's just all around awesome. And none of those things go with the bullshit "tradwife" heirarchy that society tells us to follow.
People think they want a wife, someone who is submissive and lives to serve. BS. Marriage isn't about one being in charge and the other not. Marriage is about partnership. You're not looking for someone to dote on you. You are looking for a partner, and let me tell you life is much more fun that way. I don't have cute nicknames for her, I don't bring her flowers, I don't do any of that stuff, we spend time together. We go do things together.
I, on the otherhand, am the emotional needy one. We have talked about our love languages, she likes acts of service, like me doing the dishes without being asked, or cleaning up. I like to be the little spoon. Again, both of those gender roles would have a freakout about, but it works well for us.
Hell, when Taylor Swift was coming I asked her to go with me.
Throw out what society tells you to be or tells you what to do. Life gets so much easier when you just be who you want to be. Then finding a partner who matches you? That's all the more rewarding. Find someone who wants to share life with you, not someone who wants to just follow you around.
Preach my brother.
I'm almost 30 and i 100% agree. Friends and family thought i was gay because i guess dont fit the normal "male" shit that everyone seems to assume you need to be male.
I like art and music amd cute things like cat bowls with cat ears.
But i also like to build things like my desk and work outside with my hands and fix things like when my girlfriends parents had thier washing machine break. Loved fixing that.
Early on into our relationship, my girlfriend saw me cry and didn't say shit about me not being a man or being weak or whatever garbage people code to "men". She was just there for me. Sat and listened.
So to answer OP, i agree with Scrubbles, find someone you wanna spend time with. The woman you describe absolutely exists but theres also a chance that you find someone completely different and that's ok.
Imagine claiming to "love" someone and then literally make fun of them for crying. There's for sure some light teasing, but it's all in good fun, and never serious. She would never say anything like "Don't cry because it's not manly", what a terrible thing to say to someone you claim is your partner.