this post was submitted on 10 Aug 2024
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I've heard it clears up again after the first wave of divorces (lemmy.world)
submitted 3 months ago by merari42@lemmy.world to c/lemmyshitpost@lemmy.world
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[–] Larry@lemmy.world 24 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (3 children)

If you're still looking for good men at 35 you're also single for a reason

[–] Trainguyrom@reddthat.com 4 points 3 months ago

I mean there's plenty of reasons to be single at 35 that aren't necessarily a knock against you as a potential partner. Long term partner cheated on you, long term partner died, long term partner grew apart, active duty in the military for 18 years, maybe the person threw themselves into work and was too focused on work to date or maybe they were caring for a declining family member and too busy to date, or maybe they were going through shit and they're finally ready to date again after a lot of time healing and climbing out. You get the picture

[–] peopleproblems@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Not necessarily. If she was an anxious attached style she'd be more likely to fall for avoidant men. She could either:

  1. Now recognize the red flags of avoidants and not subject herself to that.
  2. Be unaware of the red flags of avoidants and keep making the same mistake
  3. Recently left a long term relationship as an secure individual and discover how many avoidants really exist.

Of course you are right, she could be avoidant to, in which case hopefully she'll learn sooner rather than later that fearing intimacy and vulnerability is detrimental, and that healthy codependency is actually a thing. But it's not easy for them to do so.

I don't like to think that everyone is incapable of finding someone, people just need to figure out why. Pointing out "single for a reason" seems counterproductive and a bit disrespectful.

[–] cheeseandrice@lemm.ee 19 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

I think “single for a reason” is what all that attachment theory shit is trying to help contextualize. It specifically sets the context as “single for a fixable reason” if you have the courage and humility to do the work.

[–] GluWu@lemm.ee 7 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Is living in the forest because I'm afraid of the federal government a "fixable" reason?

[–] Entropywins@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago (1 children)

That's just being awesome...

[–] GluWu@lemm.ee 2 points 3 months ago

:)

[–] peopleproblems@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago

I suppose I didn't consider the act of an anxious attached falling for the avoidant attached as that "reason" I sort of chalked that up to luck.

But your right, anxious attachment tends to end up with avoidant and the anxious attachment needs to learn how to desensitize to intense passion often given by avoidants.

The anxious attached individual has a lot of work to do in regards to understanding their personal value rather than their value to others, where the avoidant has immense work to do on the value of others and the value of themselves.

[–] Cypher@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Sorry you’re so incurably single you’ve latched onto dating advice thats as accurate as horoscopes.

Like I hope it gets better for you but… yikes.

[–] peopleproblems@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's not dating advice, it's attachment theory.

[–] Cypher@lemmy.world -3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

So stop treating it like dating advice you weirdo.

[–] peopleproblems@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Ok, I'm confused - can you quote the lines that werr dating advice? In no case was I advising anyone do anything, I was sharing the information I have learned on attachment theory. Providing possible insight. That's not advice, that's processing thought.

[–] Cypher@lemmy.world -3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Not necessarily. If she was an anxious gemini she’d be more likely to fall for leo men. She could either:

  1. Now recognize the red flags of scorpio and not subject herself to that.
  2. Be unaware of the red flags of cancer and keep making the same mistake
  3. Recently left a long term relationship as an secure individual and discover how many gemini really exist.

Of course you are right, she could be gemni, in which case hopefully she’ll learn sooner rather than later that fearing intimacy and vulnerability is detrimental, and that healthy codependency is actually a thing. But it’s not easy for them to do so.

I don’t like to think that everyone is incapable of finding someone, people just need to figure out why. Pointing out “single for a reason” seems counterproductive and a bit disrespectful.

[–] peopleproblems@lemmy.world 3 points 3 months ago (2 children)

All you did was substitute the attachment titles for astrology signs.

Attachment theory has a long history of study in psychology, and astrology is just bullshit.

[–] Cypher@lemmy.world 0 points 2 months ago

https://www.abc.net.au/news/health/2024-09-01/attachment-styles-relationships-social-media-tik-tok-instagram/104279024

But the idea, for example, that your relationship is doomed if you're with an insecure person is "nonsense," Professor Karantzas says.

"I flatly refute that, that is idiocy at its finest.

[–] Cypher@lemmy.world -1 points 3 months ago

And you don't realise that you're applying it in an armchair psychologist fashion that has as much value as astrology?

Reason is lost on some people.