I’m on my umpteenth rewatch of DS9, and I"m in season 6, when it really gets goood. And, as you are all aware (It’s a fake!).
I often listen to TNG or DS9 or VOY as I know many of us do to fall asleep, but once again, I couldn’t close my eyes for “in the pale moonlight”.
I think it's a work of art on its own, but when you bring in the holier than thou morality of the federation, mixed with the horror of seeing all those names on the casualty lists, it really brings Star Trek to its knees - in, as usual, a major crisis of morality: the needs of the few, or the needs of the many?
That question of doing something bad, something that goes against one's morals, and yet will save thousands of lives of people you care about, is quintessential star trek. For me, this is when ST really gets good (and I’m a TNG zealot).
I think that I have wanted to write this on every re-watch and have never managed to do so because I’m a stupid ass dumb fucking idiot. I’m sure that many ST fans have written volumes on this very famous episode, but regardless, it deserves to be brought up over and over again, and should serve as a reminder of how incredible this episode was. This is the shit that makes ST great.
Sisko was out of options. Garak could open alternative options and Sisko asked Garak for what he needed, even if he didn’t realize it at the time. He was angry when he got what he asked for. And then…
“So I lied. I cheated. I bribed men to cover the crimes of other men. I am an accessory to murder. But the most damning thing of all, I think I can live with it. And if I had to do it all over again, I would. Garak was right about one thing. A guilty conscience is a small price to pay for the safety of the Alpha Quadrant, so I will learn to live with it. Because I can live with it. I can live with it.”
Even better, the episode didn’t treat us like children with showing a callback to the beginning of the episode, but I will fall on that sword… From the first scene:
GARAK: It would mean calling in all my favours, Captain. To do what you’re asking would use up every resource I have left on Cardassia. And it may be a very messy, very bloody business. Are you prepared for that?
SISKO: I posted my fourteenth casualty list this morning. I’m already involved in a very messy, very bloody business. And the only way I can see to end it is to bring the Romulans into the war. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to accomplish that goal, but I can’t do it alone. I need help. Now, are you in or out?
GARAK: I’m in.
I seriously appreciate your response and your willingness to be vulnerable in sharing your own loss. I am sorry. I'm so deep in sadness that I am having a hard time processing anything.
I didn't fight for him. I didn't even try. When I called his oncology doctor and left a message, I heard back from a nurse and got no information. And further, the nurse said that the doctor doesn't speak with family of patients and wouldn't be calling me back. I should have taken my rage at that obviously fucked response and done something, whether it be forcing him to talk to me, or finding another oncologist. But I didn't. I just receded into myself and did nothing. Every single day I drove to the hospital over and over again, I'd pull over and cry before I got there. But I was so paralyzed by my fear about what was happening that I didn't turn it into action. I just asked for a nicer chair in the hospital room so I could hang out for hours on end with my dad as he died. He would have done everything in his power to help me, and for some reason I was such a scared little shit that I didn't think to become the caretaker of my dad, who was always my caretaker. He needed me and I failed him.
First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.
Secondly, you knew he was receiving care from trained experts. And you showed up to be with him, which is a hell of a lot more than some people would be able to do.
In my experience, when it comes to the death of a loved one, there will always - always - be regrets of this nature. You'll always be searching for the thing you could have done differently, or the thing you did "wrong." It takes a long time to get to, "I think I can live with it."
Or, to mix episodes, it is possible commit no mistakes and still lose.