Shaggy Dog Stories

A frog goes into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

There are many versions of this, some better or worse.

Once upon a time, there was a man who decided he wanted to get away for a bit. So his filled up his truck with gas and filled his motorcycle with gas and put it on the back of truck. So he gets in the truck  and he drives and he drives  and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives  and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives until he runs out of gas.

Then he takes the motorcycle off the motorcycle off the back of the truck and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides until the motorcycle runs out of gas.

So he gets off and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he can't walk anymore. He reaches a hotel and walks in to ask if he can have a room.

"Sure," says the manager, "but I have to tell you one thing." So they go into the living room where there's a table. He takes the candlesticks off the table, the chairs away from the table, the table off the rug, and the rug off the floor. There's a trapdoor there, which opens to reveal a long flight of steps.

So they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb until they're down the stairs. They're now in a long tunnel, so they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk  and they walk  and they walk  and they walk  and they walk until they reach a wooden door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor.

And then they walk  and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk until they reach a metal door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. There are two green hills, so they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk over the two green hills. They finally reach a clearing with a table. On the table is a cage, and in the cage is a purple gorilla.

"Whatever you do," the manager says, "don't touch the purple gorilla." And so they turn around and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk over the two green hills. Then they reach the metal door. And do everything backwards. (Note: Keep telling it here to annoy people. I just don't feel like typing it.) So, the man is lying in his room later and thinks, "You know, I wonder why I'm not allowed to touch the purple gorilla."

So he goes into the living room. He takes the candlesticks off the table, the chairs away from the table, the table off the rug, and the rug off the floor. And he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs down the stairs and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he reaches the wooden door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. And then he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he reaches the metal door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. Then he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks over the two green hills until he reaches the purple gorilla.

He reaches in and pokes it. The gorilla starts going crazy in the cage. It starts thrashing about before suddenly breaking it open. So the man turns and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs over the two green hills. He reaches the metal door, and he picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, closes the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. He starts walking away, thinking there's no way the gorilla can get through a metal door, before he hears a 'BOOM' behind him.

The gorilla broke down the door! So he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he reaches the wooden door. He pick the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, and runs through it, figuring that the gorilla would be able to get through a wooden one. He runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he gets to the stairs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs until he gets back to the living room. He slams the trapdoor shut, puts the rug on the floor, the table on the rug, the chairs up to the table, and the candlesticks on the table. He walks back to his room, hoping the gorilla wouldn't be able to get through. He goes in, and finds the purple gorilla in his room.

So he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he reaches his motorcycle, which has magically been refilled with gas. He gets on it and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides until he reaches his truck, which has also been magically refilled with gas.

He gets in the truck and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives until he runs out of gas. And he runs and runs and runs, with the gorilla still following... After a while, he starts to think, "This gorilla is going to chase me until I die. I might as well stop and let him catch me." So he slows down and comes to a stop, turning to face it. It still runs towards him, but slows down once it notices the man has stopped. Finally, it walks up to the man, taps his shoulder, and says, "You're it."

So one day a man is driving along in his car, and he gets a flat tire. Now, luckily, he gets the flat right in front of a farm. So he gets out of his car, walks over to the farmhouse, knocks on the door, and the farmer steps out. Now, the man starts talking to him about his flat tire, but he can't help but look over at the fields and see a three-legged pig. So he finishes up telling the farmer about his flat tire and he says: "Oh, by the way, how'd that pig over there lose its leg?"

The farmer says, "that pig, over there?"

"Yep."

"In the fields?"

"Mhm."

"With three legs?"

"Uh-huh."

"Why," the farmer announces, "that there's a hero pig! Yessir, that pig saved my life. You see, one day in the winter I was out fishing in the pond, when I fell right through the ice! And that pig comes rushing down the hill, dives right into the freezing water, and drags me out. Saved my life."

"Wow," the man says, "what a brave pig to dive into that water, save your life, and lose a leg in the process!"

"What?" says the farmer, "no, no, no, that's not how he lost his leg!"

"Then how'd the pig lose its leg?"

"You mean that old pig?"

"Uh, yeah."

"That one grazing over there?"

"Yep."

"The one I just told you about?"

"That's the one."

"Why, that pig's a hero pig, I tell ya! Saved my life! Y'see, one day the chicken coop caught on fire, and that there hero pig bolted in, pulled me out, pulled the chickens out, and by God he saved all the eggs, too."

"Man, that pig really is a hero, to save you, the chickens, the eggs, and lose a leg while doing so."

"Pfft, that ain't how it lost its leg."

"Then how'd that pig lose its leg?"

"That one?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"The one with one missing leg?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"The one you're pointing to?"

"That's the one."

"Why, that there pig's a hero pig! One day two robbers broke into my house and stuck my wife and I up! And just as they were about to pull the trigger to shoot us, by God that pig came barreling in, knocked the gun away, and bit the fiends until they were off the farm!"

"My God, that is a truly brave, noble, and heroic pig, to save you and your wife and get its leg shot off in the process."

"That ain't the way it lost its leg!"

"Oh, come on! It dragged you out of a pond, saved you from a fire, chased away your would-be killers, how on Earth did that pig lose its leg?"

"Oh, you mean that pig?"

"Yes, that pig."

"That one over there?"

"Yup."

"You sure?"

"Yes, yes."

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand 

The teacher says “Yes Becky, go ahead.” 

Becky says “My dad works for the hatchery and one day he put 15 eggs in a basket and rode home. They all fell and broke.” 

The teacher says “Now what’s the moral in that?”

Becky says “To not put all your eggs in one basket”

The teacher says “Now, that’s a good one, Maureen, yes go ahead” 

Maureen says “My grandpa works for the Hatchery (Thank god for hatchery or we’d all be lost) one day he counted all his chickens that didn’t hatch and some of them ended up breaking at the end of the day. 

The teacher says “Now what’s the moral of that”

Maureen says “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch”

Teacher says “Damn that’s a good one”

Then she sees Dirty Johnny with his hand up and thinks “My god, not him. I don’t want to do it but I made a oath when I became a teacher”

She says “Yes, go ahead Dirty Johnny” 

Dirty Johnny stands up and starts talking “This story is about my uncle Terry, he never worked at the damn hatchery, he was in Vietnam in Danae. He was not well liked by anyone including his fellow soldiers. You may have heard of a man deserting his troop but have you ever heard of a troop abandoning a man? That’s what happened to my Uncle Terry. They left him with three bottles of scotch and some weapons. He downed the first bottle right away. So uncle Terry gets up grabs his bottles and a Glock. He walked to a town, he didn’t know if it was Charlie or one he was suppose to protect, but uncle Terry had hate in his gut, he took another drink from his bottle. So like a farmer would with hay and a scythe he started mowing everything down. First the men fell, then the women, and god damn I’m ashamed to say it but the children too. Then he felt his pants, they were wet and Uncle Terry felt shame as he pissed himself. Then he felt it again, and realized he didn’t urinate but ejaculated, and Uncle Terry felt pride were shame once was.”

The teacher says “Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you,  what’s the moral in that!?”

Johnny says “Well when Uncle Terry been drinking you don’t fuck with him”