spacelogic

I had to skip some parts — the embarrassment squick was too much — but I really liked how it ended, and it made me like everyone involved more.

I grew up in a family where everyone sat by default, so to me peeing while standing up is less gendered than it is for most people, I think. I'd still choose the ability to do everything your average cis guy can do if I could, of course. I don't yet know if I'll be able to sexually penetrate my partner, but I expect to not be able to and that is a thing I will feel a little sad about. Ejaculating and standing to pee are more "nice to haves" but that doesn't mean I won't occasionally wish I could do them.

My experience of just this last few days, though... looking in the mirror and seeing a tiny but definite penis for the first time was a huge euphoric moment. I've tried prosthetics and they sometimes make the dysphoria worse, making me more aware of what I don't have basically. This is like the opposite, where sure, I don't have all those abilities, but I have a penis! It's familiar and a real organic part of me!

So far it's not too bad. It was an outpatient procedure; I could dress myself pretty much when I woke up and walk pretty comfortably later that day. I'm a little stiff and sore, and the bleeding took a while to slow down — there's still spotting, which is apparently very normal — but unless I get an infection I think I'll be pretty much functioning normally soon.

Insurance covered 90% of the total, so I paid about $4000 US for the surgeon and facility fees. The clinic the surgeon works at has good insurance wranglers who made sure my two therapist letters said exactly the right thing to satisfy the insurance company.

For me, the dysphoria was around not having a penis, rather than having a vagina, so I didn't feel the need for vaginectomy. I'm nonbinary transmasc anyway, and my kind of ideal was to go for "best of both worlds" rather than cis-equivalent. (Also, I knew meta probably wouldn't give me enough size for penetrative sex, and I didn't want to make that otherwise more difficult.)

So far recovery is going well! I'm not in much pain and have been able to waddle around like a penguin from basically when I woke up after the surgery.

Bruce Springsteen.