mousetail

Linux has good security, simply chmod the seats on the left so the wolves don't get execute permissions

PostgreSQL can even run WebAssembly (with an extension)

Every major SQL database supports json manipulation nowadays. I know MariaDB and MySQL and SQLite at least support it natively.

It's entirely possible to sort and filter inside JSON data in most SQL dialects. You can even add indexes.

I can say the ending is not like that, though it's impossible to say much more about it without spoiling it.