confusedpuppy

The last couple months for me have been such a huge range of emotions. I'm glad I began seeing a new therapist at a practice which works with lgbt+ people and alternative lifestyles. It's made such a huge difference and it feels like my therapist is working with me instead of giving me "one size fits all" responses or coping strategies.

I'm also really happy that my therapist suggested I check out some event promoters for meeting people. Ended up going to an Enter Shikari concert last night and met up with with one of those people I met at a mingling event. She came with one of her friends and they were both super nice and so much fun. One of them was off in the mosh pit half the time and trying to crowd surf, the other was this tiny little girl at the edge of the mosh pit pushing people back in. It was amazing. I woke up the day before with a super stiff neck so I stuck to the edge of the mosh pit with the other. Fortunately the muscle relaxants and weed pills I took earlier helped with the pain so I was able to enjoy the night and energy.

Love that band, amazing show and I had such a good time. The person that met at the mingling party is also into techno, including the hard stuff. She also told me to let her know when I'm back in Toronto when we parted so I'm going to let her know what techno parties I'm headed to in the future.

Her friend also gave me a bunch of metal bands to listen to which I'm excited to check out. I cancelled my Spotify account a while ago so I've been re-exploring my current library for the past while. It'll be nice to add something new. Plus I prefer this form of music exploration compared to all the algorithms and "AI" playlists. It's far less overwhelming and lets me appreciate albums as a whole again.

I'm in such a good mood right now. Could be better but I'm paying the price for being in the mess of a rock show. Should have been resting my neck at home with a heat pad but last night was worth all the pain.

I feel similar in being robbed of the guidance and wisdom from the elders I thought I could look up to.

Not all but far too many of the elders in my life and from my experiences were bitter and selfish. They took out their frustration with personal issues and insecurities on those who dared to be different or do things differently. They enforced their narrow world view on others. Instead of earning the trust and love from their family and community, they demanded respect and attention from everyone.

These types of people are the best examples of how not to behave. Unfortunately, that leaves a knowledge gap as far fewer people are practicing and teaching healthier behaviours. I have found that younger people to be far more accepting, understanding and empathetic. It's not only refreshing to see but I've unexpectedly learned so much about people in general and about myself through younger people. As backwards as it seems, I am still appreciative of that.

Since these old and bitter types had no positive lessons to teach, I took it upon myself to be better than them. I am conscious to how I act around younger people. I make an effort to listen, acknowledge and support them when possible but most importantly, I treat them as people. All the things I wish I had when I was younger and confused. It feels rewarding when they express their appreciation but there is a small emptiness in giving something you barely got yourself in your own life.

I went to a party a couple days ago. It's meant for queer people to meet new people. Had a surprisingly good night and met a few people.

I really wish I knew how hitting on people works because I'm so painfully oblivious to it all. People seem to have a tendency to start kissing and I have no idea what I'm doing. I was just being nice?? Anyway, that night a guy I was talking to started kissing my neck and I had to politely tell him I was just there to meet new people. Fortunately he took it super well. I have plans to invite him to one of the techno parties I go to regularly which should be fun.

Also, as I was leaving, I happened to be talking to a group of people and someone just happened to mention a band that's playing in Toronto next week. Turns out her and I are seeing the same band play so I think we are gonna go together? We've been slowly texting each other so we'll see but should be fun either way. I'm still pretty excited.

I look forward to hiking the next couple weeks, the leaves are all changing colours, lots of reds, yellow and orange. I absolutely love fall colours.

The second worst part of a new tattoo is the itch. So itchy...

I got a new tattoo yesterday of a couple of mourning doves. The artist working on me was working around some ticklish areas. I kept jumping at all the light touches when she was wiping away excess ink from the area so I asked her to use a bit more pressure when she was working there. She laughed and said no one has ever asked her to be more rough but I was twitching a whole lot less after I asked. Other than that, it was nice to have a quiet mind for a few hours. Getting a tattoo is the closest thing to meditation I'll ever get.

Also, I'm going to a party this weekend and am both excited and anxious. I think it might be a techno party but the organizers of the party host events for queer people to meet each other. It's going to be loud which is awful for me when trying to talk to others. I usually go dance by myself because I'm there for the music but this time I'll have to try and meet some people. I'm hoping since the event is for meeting new people that things will work itself out. We'll see how the night goes.

I've noticed personally just how different my mind works when I am constantly presented with data for my actions. Even though these random data points have no real affect on my life, I'm still drawn to having those numbers be bigger than before. From the votes I receive from a social media comment to the reactions from a meme posted in a discord server, all I want is more attention through a click of a button from someone else's screen.

I hate it. It feels like my value is placed into a number. For me, I prefer my value to come from how I treat other people. I feel a far greater sense of self when I am able to put my time and effort into helping other people. I get to learn the inner workings of someone else and teach them to empower themselves. It feels rewarding when later on those people I helped express their gratitute and trust in me. That is far more rewarding compared to the quick hit from any brain chemistry when looking at a bunch of data points or a bunch of money.

Unfortunately, I can't make money this way. Not in the way I want to learn, teach and empower other people. I'm terrified of going into a career that will destroy my innate desire to help others. I know it'll wreck me in the process. Again.

Capitalism destroys everything it touches by sucking all the life, creativity and humanity out of it until there's a empty shell left behind. An empty shell that looks like every other empty shell. All those empty shells can be counted, given a value and sold. Reducing us and the human experience to yet another data point.

I truly hope more people come to understand that these data points don't have to put us in a competitions with each other. That our value as people can come from places that don't have/need to be from a number value.

One day, our planet will die. One day the last historian will die and all that data and preserved knowledge will sit and decay. It's human knowledge and it's meaning has more value to humans than any other living creature on our planet.

Personally, I'd rather live a life where my actions are responsible for the wellbeing of myself, my community and the land under my feet. It doesn't matter to me anymore if my value can't be reduced to a number.

Dean Blundell used to be a radio show host for a rock station in the greater Toronto area. From what I remember, he tried to be edgy but to me it came off as crude and mean spirited humour. I think his show got cancelled for some reason in the early 2010's.

I'm more surprised he's still active than compared to him falling for a parody account.

I have the ability to make others feel safe and comfortable to be their themselves. It's always a shock to me how comfortable some people get around me. I'm still waiting for someone to make me feel the same way.

It's refreshing for me to see simpler, broader terms being used in discussions now about other people. This was something I began practicing for some time now as a response to the overwhelming number of labels that has shown up over time as the internet population increased.

Labels aren't inherently bad or wrong, it's obviously helped people find communities in an increasingly isolating world. It has however, based on my experiences and observations, created another situation where labels carry much more weight than they should in conversations and interactions. It's very easy to box ourselves or other people into a strict definition of those labels. Humans are far too complex for such restrictions based on words.

I also feel that such a strict use of labels has created a war of labels. Instead of addressing differences or issues, it's simpler to throw an accusative label and claim a moral superiority. Not only does this create no room for productive discussions, it also causes strong emotion responses which further breaks down discussions.

I do hope that "weird" carries it's momentum forward beyond the word itself. That it pushes us towards speaking to each other using simpler, broader and descriptive language. It would create a more inclusive environment where people of varying levels on language knowledge are being included in the conversation and are able to participate in those conversations.

I generally lurk more than I post content or comment because I naturally tire from the vast majority of online and offline interactions with people. The exception being those people who share the same autism/adhd based experiences and perspectives that I do.

When I interact with fascists online, I already know it's a dead end to the conversation before it starts. That's why I begin an interaction with a fascist with the mindset of it being a chance for me to learn and understand their mindset instead of trying to change a person. I also have a 3 comment limit with a rough plan on how my comments will be used during this interaction.

The first comment generally asks to clarify a specific point that they are making. The second comment depends on the response I get but usually ends up with me pointing out a flaw or contradiction from the fascist. The third is a closing thought and a reminder of how they failed to have a clear and understandable argument to continue the conversation.

I have a very broad and hard to explain understanding of how hate and emotions work. This comes from experiences and observations from my life. So this comment format sort of plays out predictably when the fascist inevitably responds after my final comment. That's where I find the most insight into their thoughts. That's where I find that missing bit of information that makes it click for me.

I rarely engage them unless they spark a morbid curiosity in me. It's better that way since it's much easier and mentally healthier to just let them pass by my screen than to weigh down my thoughts with pure negativity.

I appreciate the suggestions but this brings up another issue that I have had with these types of conversations. Far too many of the people I've spoken to live in a constant state of hypocrisy or contradiction.

It's going to be hard for me to fully explain this as I just don't have the energy to deal with people anymore and have chosen to keep in contact with very few people over the past few years. That is to say, my contact with people in general has been somewhat limited.

It does somewhat go back to my points about defensiveness and defending peoples and systems that are oppressive. On many occasion, explaining certain hypocrisies as simply and clearly to the best of my efforts was still seen as an attack on themselves. The simple suggestion that change for all requires change on a personal level was unthinkable for them.

Even though capitalism is causing so much unhappiness in their lives, they want it to stay because it seems to me that it brings them a sort of comfort through habit or routine. Disrupting what brings their vision of comfort is scary and so they react in hostility.

I say all this through my experience of fighting for the right to be treated with dignity in a workplace that was crumbling under it's own weight of sexism, racism, classism and ageism. Where it was important to have as many people be supportive of what I was fighting for so we could all benefit together. What I received was constant shame and belittlement for opposing authority alongside praises for opposing authority. From the same people. Does that make sense? Not to me.

Humans are complex. Far too complex for me to even attempt to explain how complex they can be. Unfortunately, I just no longer have the energy or patience to continue. Especially as a person of colour in a small conservative town.

Both points are very valid. I have had a difficult time trying to approach the topic of alternatives to capitalism with other people.

I try to speak to them in language that they would understand. I also try to speak to them in a way that would empathise with them. I am very careful with my words because I do not want to accidentally or directly attack them and cause a defensive response. Once someone becomes defensive, they are more likely to reject what's being said to them and become hostile towards me and my lifestyle.

The most common issue I have in these conversations is that the other person I'm talking to appears to be unable to imagine another life without capitalism. All their problem solving skills heavily rely on buying more. Their long term goals center around accumulating wealth. The people they look up to and attempt to follow are all wealth hoarders.

I don't expect to be able to deprogram anyone from the constant propaganda produced by capitalism. It does sadden me though. The people that I talked to are just not curious about any alternatives and would rather defend a lifestyle and the systems that oppresses their very own happiness and freedom to be themselves. These conversations exhaust me and now I'm just too low on energy to have the motivation to try anymore.

I do hope to one day see the start of change. Where common people finally understand just how hilariously outnumbered wealth hoarders are and begin to work together to rebuild communities that reject and fight against such oppressive peoples and systems.

Unfortunately without much support, especially from any local community, it's hard to even approach this issue.

I'm okay with this, I'm away for the next two weeks so there's no one to manage my garden except to water it. I'm going to give a few excess cucumbers to my neighbours before I leave though.

I'm also big into collecting seeds and have plans to save a few cucumbers to allow them to age naturally. At least I assume that's what I can do. This is the first year I've managed to grow cucumbers and not just the flowers. I also have a habit of letting plants grow a bit wild the first time as I watch how they grow. This way I have a better understanding for myself of how to manage them next year.

It seems like I could treat the cucumber plant sort of like the tomato plant, trimming excess growth to promote veggie/fruit growth but I haven't gotten that far with experimenting yet.