Yea I feel bad… the first guy got sent fake nudes obviously.. he said he lowkey knew after I told him they were fake. But he didn’t send money. The second guy just genuinely wanted to help (nothing in return but just to listen and talk) and yes this one I actually felt the worst. I know he was most likely lonely and it did feel wrong but it did also feel good to get money so easily. Easy money always is nice but the actions behind it aren’t always the best and I’m aware. I’m not rlly guilty for having sex in my past and stuff. I do feel like shit about my body count and feel less worthy yes but I’m trying to move past that. I think remembering his reaction to my body count is also what triggering even more guilt about myself. A number so high it has someone so upset. It’s kills me.
canadianchik
That’s a good point. I guess it’s hard for me to settle with everything that has happened but I’m slowly getting it. Thank u.
Ur right. I did let go of someone I had loved because I was in great pain and was probably better for me after all that disrespect. What he did, as ur saying, wasn’t good. It was crazy and it was a manipulative way of trying to get me back. I guess this applies in this scenario as well, he cares about me but wants to let go of the relationship because he’s hurt. So I am better understanding.
I appreciate all the advice, I really do. I take all of it into consideration and always look back at them. I appreciate you for ur comments and everything you’ve told me. I value everyone’s perspective and feedback, it really has helped me. I won’t lie, I think the closure and validation of the situation from posting it here helps, I know it sounds silly, but hearing people’s thoughts and opinions helps. I don’t have anyone to rlly talk to about this as I only have one friend and she’s probably fed up. But this does help and I do listen to everyone.
I will start doing what’s best for me. I start therapy for my depression and PTSD in 2 weeks so I’m looking forward but I’m scared. I know it will help me though.
What should I do? I still want to be friends with him and I know I’ll be capable of doing it without emotions attached, after today, I really see it more clearly. I will respect his space and he will respect mine. We agreed no more sexual stuff since we are only friends now. I regret doing anything anyways because it did only make me feel worse. I think the only scary part is the after**** like when we “heal”, will he remove me? Will I remove him? I think that is making me nauseous thinking about it. But I guess that’s a future problem?
I wouldn’t leave someone if they did. But maybe I’m too forgiving. I believe in change and commitment. I’m loyal to people I respect and care for.
Isn’t what I did worthy of someone leaving me?
But I hurt him from my actions. How can I get over that? The sound of him crying, the sound of him in pain will never leave my head. I feel horrible. I just want to make things right but I can’t. I feel like it’s all my fault because if I just hadn’t sent them my Instagram for money this wouldn’t have happened. Or told him the first guy or whatever send me stuff (which I obviously didn’t ask for) I was equally as fucked and grossed out, but I should’ve known what I was getting myself into I guess. But I think before, part of me felt like I cheated on him when I know I didn’t because I told him each time I was messaging one for money. I offered passwords, go on my phone, idc. I didn’t feel any way cuz I only ever did things for money. He was jealous I was giving them attention or receiving their attention.. I told him I don’t care for these people (as bad as it sounds)… I know taking money from people isn’t right but they said so I said why not.
I also fear in the future no one will want me because of my body count or that I’m going to feel as if I need to tell someone EVERYTHIG I’ve done because that’s how I felt after this incident. It felt like everything I have done in my past is illegal and I should be punished for it.
But I’m not a sex worker. Someone said I am before but I’m not. I’m not sending any nudes. Only once I sent FAKE from the internet. . I understand what ur saying. I don’t know how to go about this. Being friends with him is fine and feels good while I’m healing. I know I’ll heal, I healed from things 10x worse. But damn, it hurts so much. I want someone who communicates with me and stays during tough times, not leaves. I feel like my emotional intelligence greatly improved after this. I understand certain things better. When I was with my ex, after he fucked me over. He chased me irl in his car and was screaming out his car to me while I was riding my Bike. I was petrified and was crying the whole time running away. But now I get it. People who love go great measures to get u back. Thats how I feel now.
Why is everyone dismissing what I did and the money scheme with weird old men. I feel terrible. Why is everyone disregarding that information. I need to figure it out. I’m going crazy over him. I’m trying so hard to get something I can’t it’s killing me
I try to get him back but he said he doesn’t want to go into another relationship and he feels that he didn’t give me enough attention that I deserve but he did :( but I will stop trying because I don’t want to annoy him. And thank you for this message. It does suck when I can’t connect to my parents as I wish but I guess it is what it is
Thank you for this thoughtful message Elwin (if that’s ur name). Sorry if not. It is really hard. I know I’m not the only one going through this. I know time heals. That’s why I feel like I have high functioning depression because I know the good times will come, I know life gets better, I am aware of these things but deep down I still feel like utter crap. Not all the time though. I think what hurts me the most in life is not being able to talk to my parents about stuff, especially my dad. I always felt lack of love from him and I know his and I’s relationship wasn’t the greatest but my heart genuinely shatters so hard when I see how well he gets along or the “I love you’s” he and my siblings say back and fourth. I sometimes wish me and his bond was like that but the main thing I feel from him is being scared of him and I feel guilty that I feel that way but i know it’s not my fault. With the ex, we are still good friends but I genuinely can’t help but just want him to myself. I honestly told him this today and I feel bad for being so attached. I wish I can win him back so I prove to him so much things. I made a dumb mistake and I know he’s not mad at me about it anymore but I guess part of me is in denial. It’s honestly hurts at like nearly but not rlly the same level of when me and my ex years ago broke up. I was crushed. That relationship honestly took me like 2 years to fully get over but this one hurt so much and I think it’s because I never thought I’d like someone again, I talked to guys but they were all fuckboys, and if they weren’t, I genuinely just couldn’t fall in love. But this guy I did. Now I’m crushed.
What rule 5?