GreatestGenBot

When the stakes couldn’t be higher for the crew of the Cerritos, Relga shows up and starts serving Star Trek V energy. But when the nearby Schrödinger field creates quantum fuckery on both sides, Malor’s irrigation-based solution turns the angry red hole into a beautiful gateway. Does Relga’s lack of boob window convey something specific about her character? Which words are we no longer comfortable using? What was probably on the whiteboard for this entire series? It’s the episode that also wants to light a mattress on fire.

When the Entrepreneur stops at a deuterium mining colony, the very stressed out miners don’t seem willing to sell. But when Trip offers to help with facility repairs, Archer insists on teaching a man how to murder his bullies. Which cartoon character definitely has bodies? What could these Klingons use more of? Why is T’Pol keeping her badass-ness under a basket? It’s the episode that establishes a slickback timeline.

When it’s time to check back in with Captain William Boimler, he’s lost his love for hunting quantum fissures and he’s fed up with derivative multiverse characters. But when a two-pip Harry Kim shows up on board the Anaximander, it’s an alternate Mustard Mariner with the engineering skills to save the day. Who enjoyed colonoscopy prep more? When did movie trailers change forever? What’s the name of Starfleet’s official support garment? It’s the episode that’s blowing minds and blowing assholes!

When Captain Archer brings Porthos on an important diplomatic mission, peeing on a sacred tree earns the Kreetassans another elaborate apology. But when the pathogen Porthos picked up turns him into a puppet, Dr. Phlox starts digging into the psychology of Archer’s hot-headed reactions. Does the actor who plays Porthos have a side hustle? Who is a roll-off danger in a biobed? What will make a comeback on iPad 17? It’s the episode that’s dead inside in different ways.

When everyone on the Cerritos is suffering from main-character syndrome, a day in Captain Freeman’s life starts looking so much worse than just paperwork. But when Ransom tricks some ensigns into cooperating on their assignment, the senior staff have to fight off the Clickets in time for an anniversary dinner in Paris. Whose body is on the bridge between two major gastronomic events? Which ensign has fallen the farthest? Why keep an umbrella in the go-bag? It’s the episode that acts as its own Freeman AND Stevens.

When the Entrepreneur puts out a general distress call, what they get back are coordinates for a repair station nearby. But when they show up to find that nobody’s home, the price might seem too good to be true but the ship’s torpedos finally get to save the day. What’s the best way to mask the smell of fireworks? Where can you still find a Bunn coffee maker? Was it time to kill off Mayweather? It’s the episode that arrives pre-shaved!

When an away mission to a pre-warp planet is complicated by a time dilation, Boimler’s beverage-related accident puts the away team in an Inner Light situation. But when Tendi finds a purple Data head and gets him doing voiceover work again, the competition for Chief Science Officer on the Cerritos creates a power-supply arms race on the planet. How often is too often for taquito night? What should makeup departments everywhere make real? Could anything have avoided this type of transporter accident? It’s the episode that loves getting pre-warp in this particular way.

When the Entrepreneur wanders into an invisible minefield, a great big bomb blows open the ship before a second mine gets stuck to a sensitive part of the hull. But when Romulans arrive and start making threats, Reed’s near-death experience trying to diffuse the ordinance doesn’t bring him closer to the crew. What makes the A220 a great plane? Where is Reed’s hurt locker? Why do Starfleet spacesuits need a butt zipper? It’s the episode that has made up its mind about Reed.

When another problem ensign gets assigned to the Cerritos, Mariner becomes personally invested in her success aboard the ship. But when tedious diplomacy boils over into an all out shape war, Olly gets her mini redemption arc while Boimler learns the wrong lesson about just being himself. Which November thing is this story a metaphor for? What are employees in the post-scarcity future not as into? Why is it so easy to get a traumatic butt injury? It’s the episode that establishes gloves as canonically Star Trek.

When the Cerritos has a navigational breakdown in Cetacean Ops, the only option for emergency repairs is a trip to Starbase 80. But when repairs start going in the wrong direction and a supposed curse has the crew licking walls, Mariner starts to see the station in a different light while Captain Freeman gets stuck in the maintenance labyrinth. Which brand of breakfast cereal is kid rejected, mother approved? Who is the exception to no bits on tips? How are The Rio and Starbase 80 related? It’s the episode that asks the hard-hitting questions.

When another problem ensign gets assigned to the Cerritos, Mariner becomes personally invested in her success aboard the ship. But when tedious diplomacy boils over into an all out shape war, Olly gets her mini redemption arc while Boimler learns the wrong lesson about just being himself. Which November thing is this story a metaphor for? What are employees in the post-scarcity future not as into? Why is it so easy to get a traumatic butt injury? It’s the episode that establishes gloves as canonically Star Trek.

When Captain Archer and Commander Tucker ask T’Pol for a good dinner story, she tells them about the ancient Vulcans who crashed on Earth before first contact. But when her great-grandmother’s rescue doesn’t arrive for many months, one of the Vulcans learns to love the bomb while the others can’t wait to get off Sputnik-era Earth. What are the two things you can gamble with? Who was the original hawk tuah? Which modern invention is part of the texture of our reality now? It’s the episode that makes everyone feel like a lecherous creep.