this post was submitted on 07 Jul 2024
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Investment banker, 30, 'smeared mud on himself then had sex with a tree in the shadow of Kensington Palace', court hears (archive.is)
submitted 4 months ago by Emperor@feddit.uk to c/andfinally@feddit.uk
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Westminster Magistrates Court heard that 30-year-old Paolo Bollag stripped off in central London's Kensington Gardens last April and indulged in a series of lewd acts.

Bollag, from west London, denied a charge of outraging public decency, and opted for a crown court trial. He was bailed on the condition that he does not enter the park again before it begins.

Magistrates heard Bollag had been pleasuring himself before 'thrusting' into an unspecified tree in the park, which it situated next to Kensington Palace.

The court further heard that the investment manager, whose LinkedIn profile says works at Oakley Capital, rammed soil into his underwear and rubbed his crotch.

Archive (original link - warning, it's The Daily Fail)

top 19 comments
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[–] daqu 33 points 4 months ago (1 children)

He wants to fuck the world, so he became a banker.

[–] JargonWagon@lemmy.world 5 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

I pray my dick gets big as the Eiffel Tower
so I can fuck the world for 72 hours

[–] Thcdenton@lemmy.world 25 points 4 months ago

[–] noodlejetski@lemm.ee 23 points 4 months ago (2 children)

oh, to be young again

[–] Emperor@feddit.uk 25 points 4 months ago

With undercrackers full of soil and a head full of Ent porn. He who is without sin, throw the first branch.

[–] unreachable@lemmy.world 14 points 4 months ago

30 is the new 15

[–] veroxii@aussie.zone 17 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Cocaine is one helluva drug.

[–] steal_your_face@lemmy.ml 1 points 4 months ago

More like PCP

[–] NegativeLookBehind@lemmy.world 17 points 4 months ago

Can’t blame a guy for knowing how to party

[–] fox2263@lemmy.world 13 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Well that was certainly a sentence

[–] JargonWagon@lemmy.world 3 points 4 months ago

There's more in the article, too!

[–] DarkThoughts@fedia.io 13 points 4 months ago (1 children)

https://i.imgflip.com/82xoku.jpg

[–] Emperor@feddit.uk 9 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)
[–] idiomaddict@feddit.de 5 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Nominative determinism gone wild (Holz means wood)

[–] mysticpickle@lemmy.ca 12 points 4 months ago (1 children)

How else are you supposed to have sex while you're being hunted by The Predator?

[–] Emperor@feddit.uk 8 points 4 months ago

I hadn't considered this angle - are you his defence solicitor as that might just get him off. Although him getting off was the problem in the first place.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 10 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Come on, trees... are just sexy. Who hasn't made sweet love to a stately oak, or shady elm, or wept with joy while wooing a willow? And don't get me started about cedar with her lovely perfume that makes you want to seed her.

But pines are straight out! Good luck getting the resin out of your pubes!

[–] Metype@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

[–] Iheartcheese@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago

Oh it's you bb