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Burger King should release a new line of roasted peanuts to compete with Planters, and advertise them on Pornhub. (lemmy.world)

submitted 2 months ago by Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world to c/crazyideas@lemmy.world

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So it would be one of those 5 second ads. You get a white guy with a 12 inch dick, to wear the Burger King mascot costume from 2008. The one that used to sneak into womens beds as they sleep, and surprise them with sausage sandwiches. You know the one. Except you leave the fly zipper open so the dick can hang out.

Then you get ANY porn model female. As long as she has a good O-face for 5 seconds.

And then you have the audio. It's like a stomping on the bleachers sound of 20,000 people all doing it at the same time. To the rythem of Queen's "we will we will (rock you)".

Except you never get to the lyrics. It's just STOMP-STOMP-CLAP repeat repeat repeat repeat.

And the first stomp sound is shown the burger kings dick going into the woman. It's accompanied by the stomp sound as he thrusts, and the lyric "FUCK"

The next stomp is shown as just a close-up of the Kings gigantic plastic head. And the stomp noise, and the lyric "KING!"

The clap sound is just a shot of the kings testicles swinging mid-thrust, and the clap sound with the lyric "NUTS!"

And then it repeats, except on the second loop the "NUTS!" shot is a jar of "Burger King brand Fucking Nuts!"

Then it loops 1 more time, because rules of 3, and this time the word NUTS is a shot of a big bowl of nuts in the foreground, as king fucks this woman in the background.

So the whole thing is each shot is like 1/2 a second, and it's just STOMP STOMP CLAP STOMP STOMP CLAP STOMP STOMP CLAP. With the lyrics "FUCK KING NUTS! FUCK KING NUTS! FUCK KING NUTS!"

And then the 5 second ad is over and you start watching whatever porn you clicked.

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[–] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 18 points 2 months ago

This is what I come to lemmy for. I could not smoke enough to even think of this

[–] JudahBenHur@lemm.ee 15 points 2 months ago

With an idea like this you don't make a Lemmy post, sir, you write this up (and get a lawyer (or a notary at a minimum) to sign an affidavit that this is your IP) and you get a meeting with no one less than the CEO of Burger King, Joshua Kobza.

You're going to need to do a proof-of-concept reel though, so you'll need to have a friend film your balls in mid-swing whilst you penetrate a chick who's willing to do this bit of acting.

There are plenty of tutorials for papier-mâché mask making, so try to do a good enough job making the mask.

Don't give up on this idea- when I think of some veiny, hairy balls of a dude in a creepy mask flapping against a wet twat I can't imagine not wanting to buy peanuts to eat

[–] jettrscga@lemmy.world 13 points 2 months ago

None of this made any sense. Until you said "rules of 3".

[–] threelonmusketeers@sh.itjust.works 12 points 2 months ago

This is certainly one of the Lemmy posts of all time. Doyle Dane Bernbach should hire you.

[–] j4k3@lemmy.world 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

How is Wendy going to take that?

[–] Crackhappy@lemmy.world 6 points 2 months ago

With a moan, hopefully.