It was Sept. 2005. Recovery after Hurricane Katrina. I was 18 years old in Mid Southern Mississippi. My grandfather had a work shop that collapsed and he had about $300K of metal working equipment in the shop. I spent many summers in that shop making S-locks and ducts for multiple buildings in the town and state
But when Katrina hit, we had to abandon the shop for survival. We were able to get back to it, but the building collapsed. All of his equipment (and bass boat) was under the wreckage. Anyone could get into it if they tried hard enough, so we posted nightly watches on the property and watch the collapsed shop. When we stood watch, we had a mossberg 30 alt 6 and a New England 12 gauge with buck shot.
There was one night where it was my turn. I was sitting on the porch of the house (half an acre away from the shop) and I hear wood breaking and rustling. I grab both rifles, but I have the shotgun on my shoulder.
I scream "Get off the property" while watching a guy try to pull a panel off the wall to get into the collapsed building. I fire the buckshot, even though I know it's not going to hit. I was just hoping it would scare them enough to run away, but they didn't. When they kept trying to dig into the mess, I dropped the shotgun and grabbed the rifle. I shouted for them to stop and leave one more time, but they continued ignoring. The rifle had a hunting scope so I aimed at what I could see as the most mass, and fired.
I heard a pained yelp and then a blood curtling screams and then "Oh my fucking god! Please, God! No!" He ran about half a football field and just crumpled over .. I stood there for hours just praying that the guy would just stand up and keep running, but no. He was dead and wasn't going anywhere. This was a shift after midnight, so I was getting to get a break until the sun came up. I stood there and watch this dead body until my brother came up and saw me standing there frozen. He snatched the rifle out of my hand and started screaming to get my attention and asked what happened. I stood frozen for what felt like hours until I eventually just told him "I shot him...".
National Guard had to come and pick the body up because it was Marshal Law at the time. I was even questioned nor looked at differently, but I killed a person that might have been ore desperate than me, and now that's a thing I have to live with
I'm really sorry that you've had to carry this for so long. You have to remember that you were in an absolutely terrifying, unprecedented situation. I had my first experience with a relatively "minor" natural disaster last year and I was awed at how quickly things broke down into feeling mildly apocalyptic. I was one of the lucky ones and even then I was stressed the fuck out. I cannot imagine the sort of extreme levels of chaos and stress that you were going through...day by day not knowing what the next will bring.
You were young, practically still a child, and probably scared even if you don't remember being scared. Things went sideways and someone died. The very fact that you feel such remorse for someone you didn't know is a huge thing. If you didn't care about this man, I would say there might be something wrong with you. But you care and you know that it was a big deal. This event didn't happen because you are some bloodthirsty maniac, but rather because you were in a desperate situation. Should or could things have been done differently? I mean maybe. But no one can be certain and at this point it doesn't matter if things should have been done differently. Because they occurred and that was that. Time has progressed forward.
I hope that if you haven't already, that you find someone to talk to very deeply about this. Whether it's a therapist or a close friend or someone. In doing so, there might be a way for you to eventually find peace.
Best of luck, friend.
Thanks. Nah, I'm fine. It was a long time ago and experienced many more traumatic events since then