Dullsters
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That was my first thought since it matched the behavior.
I took the panel off, extracted the control board, and none of the buttons appeared to be stuck. This was bypassing the button "covers" and just using the PCB buttons on the board itself (basically just hooked the bare board back to the wiring harness to test.
What makes me feel like I wasted $80 is the control board looks pristine. No visual evidence of failure, no apparent moisture damage/corrosion, etc. Still hoping that's where the problem is because I can't return the replacement board (unless it's defective itself) and I haven't the foggiest idea of how to replace the main control board (assuming I can find one). Even then, that may not be the issue (could be a dodgy wire between the panel and the main board, for example).
From what I've read, even Samsung repair techs basically just throw parts at it until it's fixed or they replace it under warranty or tell you you're out of luck. (Mine's out of warranty)
I would really like it if we could get to the point where we give an LLM an image of a board like this and it can identify failures. One of my primary hobbies is mechanical keyboards. I have one where I did a piss poor job soldering on a new hotswap socket, and now it does not work. I will try replacing it, but I can’t tell if my horrendous solder work messed it up, or if I damaged something else somewhere on the board. I will eventually try again, but you get what I’m saying.