Alright, so, something I've been talking about with my therapist a lot, but I thoughts folks out here could have interesting povs.
To sum it up, I'm constantly trying to act like a saint (figuratively, I'm an atheist). There's one exception to this, people holding power and making others miserable in any way.
But basically, you know, this whole mentality of banishing anger, jealousy, egoism, selfishness, greed, desire for power and authority and all that? That's me.
I don't mean I manage to do so constantly, but that's what I strive for.
One could think, and I did think, it was a desire for social praise. But really, when I get praised, which happen a lot, I don't care and that's more awkward that anything (like : woa dude, it's not the Oscars or something, chill out). And little by little, I started to think it didn't have much to do with being praised, that's just striving to live as I think it's better to live. To live a life I'll me content with when the grim reaper will come and all praises won't mean anything anymore.
My therapist thinks it's not really an issue as long as it doesn't cause myself pain (which it does because I'm deaf to my own needs 50% of the times).
But I don't see a satisfying way to live apart from that.
One potential misinterpretation I'd like to prevent. It's a very strong drive, but it doesn't make me blind. It really doesn't happen a lot but whenever I'm angry, I'm not feeling guilty. I know why I feel this, it's just that I didn't have any other way to manage a situation/feeling. I'll just strive to do better next time by trying to modify the situation so that anger will not be the most probable answer.
Do you find it weird? Anyone adopting this kind of behavior? Maybe everyone does. It may sound a bit megalomaniac, like hey I'm exceptional, but it really isn't what I mean. To my own eyes, I'm not a bad or a good person. I'm just trying to be what I want. If somebody tries to be someone different, it's all fine by me.
TL;DR : Is having high moral standards for one's self weird or toxic? Does my message actually sound megalomaniac?
Honestly, this feels like you're setting the bar way too high. Trying to eliminate every negative feeling or impulse, like anger, jealousy, egoism, or desire for power, isn't just unrealistic, it's too much. Life is messy, and part of being human is dealing with these emotions in healthy ways, not pretending they don't exist or trying to suppress them entirely.
What happens when you suppress emotions like anger or jealousy? They don't just disappear, they get buried and eventually come out in unexpected or unhealthy ways. It sounds like you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure to be perfect, and while aiming to be better isn't a bad thing, it's easy to burn out or become emotionally numb when you hold yourself to impossible standards.
At the end of the day, what's wrong with a little bit of ego, some healthy ambition, or even feeling angry when something goes wrong? These things aren't inherently bad or toxic, they're just part of being human. Overemphasizing moral purity can cause you to miss out on the richness of life and emotional depth.
And honestly, why is megalomania such a bad thing? If you're fully aware of your drive and you're not hurting anyone, is it really so bad to think you're capable of achieving something extraordinary? If you're not deluded about your abilities and keep it in check, what's the harm in believing you're on a higher level than most?