One of them is a doctor, and the other one a deaf man.

Every day, the doctor gives the girl a gorgeous rose. "a beautiful flower, for a beautiful girl," he says.

The deaf man gives the girl a large red apple every day, but never says anything.

One day, when the deaf man gives the girl his daily apple, the girl asks "why do you give me an apple every day?"

To which the deaf man responds: "WHAT??"

Only problem is that I don't think I can run that far.

And happily, she accepts. Of course, the boy wants to do his very best to make this evening as unforgettable as he can.

So, he goes to the local suit rental place, to rent a ridiculously fancy suit. But, he wasn't the only one with that idea, and there is a giant line of other guys, all waiting to rent suits. But, he wants to look his absolute best for the girl he loves, so he dutifully waits in line.

He then goes to the local florist, to buy the best and biggest corsage he can find for her. But, he isn't the only one with that idea, as there is a giant line of people, all waiting to buy flowers too. But, he wants nothing but the best for the girls he loves, so he patiently waits in line.

He then goes to a car rental company, where he intends to rent a super fancy car to drive them to the prom. However, it's a busy day for the rental company, and there is also a giant line of people waiting to rent a car. But, again, he wants what's best, so he spends several hours in line, waiting patiently for his turn.

Finally, the big night is there. The girl compliments the guy on his suit, is over the moon about the beautiful corsage, and is exstatic about the fancy car he rented. They arrive at the prom, and the guy asks her what she wants to do. She replies she firstly wants something to drink, so the guy walks over to the punch bowl, and then there is no punch line.

Turns out it’s a talking duck, which orders a beer.

The human next to him is flabbergasted, starts to ask but midsentence realizes he can’t even formulate his question “You, you’re a … but what… you’re a…” The duck takes a sip and says, “Yeah, I’m a duck, spent most of my life as a roofer.”

“A roofer?!?”

“Yeah, you know, we put shingles, tiles other roof things on roof places. You know, roofer?”

“But you could be in the circus!”

“The circus? Place with all the tents and what have you?”

“Yes! You could make a fortune!”

“Now what the heck is a place like that going to need with a roofer?”

(This joke is older than I am but I love it. Fun one to tell as you can give the duck whatever voice and however condescending an attitude you want. I've seen some great people tell this joke and really stretch out that conversation for nothing but the joy of the voice.)

Last month, the UN conducted a global survey:

"Please give us your honest opinion about a solution to the Food Shortages in the Rest of the World."

​

The poll turned out, not unexpectedly, to be a huge flop.

Why?

​

-In Africa, participants didn't know what 'food' was.

-Russia didn't know what 'honest' meant.

-Western Europe did not know the word 'Shortage '.

-The Chinese did not know what 'opinion' was.

-The Middle East asked what 'solution' meant.

-South America did not know the meaning of 'please'.

-In North Korea they ate the survey sheet.

-Switzerland didn't want to give anything for free.

-And in the USA, no one knew what 'the rest of the world' was.

I reckon I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

An investment banker is looking to hire a new secretary, and has narrowed down his options to three women. While most people in his position would want her to sit and look pretty, he wanted someone dependable. He wanted someone who could offer him good advice when he needed it, and might even reach a position like him in the future.

To this end, he offered each woman a test. He gave each one £10,000 and told them to invest it. After a month, they would return the money to him, and this would serve as an interview.

The first woman invested in hot new stocks, hoping one of them would pay off. Sadly, it proved to be too much of a risk. By the end of the month, she was only able to pay him back £2,000, having lost £8,000.

The second woman invested in stable businesses with gradual growth, getting a steady return per day. By the end of the month, she gave the banker £1000 more than she had been given to begin with.

The third woman invested and pulled her money like a machine, shorting companies and spreading rumours to boost her profits. While she had in excess of £17,000 by the end of the month, she only returned £10,000 to the banker, arguing that everything else was not part of the deal.

Once the test concluded, the banker instantly made up his mind, and hired the woman with the biggest chest.

During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more of our troops, it's a trap, there are two of them!".

A receding hare line.

Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree?

Thought it was a monkey.

Two childs did go out into a forest for a picknic

"Wow, this spot is so nice"

"Yes, the thousands of ants cant be wrong"

The driver was fined for undertaking.

During the court hearing, I said "wait, I can explain everything".

The police have been working tirelessly to catch the thief.

FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of winning the election for Sheriff?"

Dad: I'm being surveilled!

Me: Why?

Dad: Some dude named General Failure is reading my hard drive!

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!