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Daughters: Fathers (lemm.ee)

submitted 6 months ago by Churbleyimyam@lemm.ee to c/askwomen@lemm.ee

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What did your father do for you/not do for you that you needed?

Context: I have recently become a father to a daughter, with a mother whose father was not around when she was growing up. I won't bore you all with the details but our daughter is here now and I am realising that I'm the only one in our little family who has really had a father before. But I have never been a girl. And I know that as a boy, my relationships with my mother and father were massively influential and powerful but at the same time radically different to each other. People say that daughters and fathers have a unique relationship too.

Question: What was your father to you? What matters the most when it comes to a father making his daughter loved, safe, confident and free? To live a good life as an adult?

I'd like this to be a mature, personal and real discussion about daughters and fathers, rather than a political thing, so I humbly ask to please speak from your heart rather than your head on this one :)

Thank you

P.S Apologies if this question is badly written or conceived; I haven't been getting enough sleep! It is what it is! P.P.S I'm gonna post this to a general Ask community but I thought it should come her first :)

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[–] clarinet_estimator@lemm.ee 1 points 6 months ago

I would say the thing I realize now that would have helped me the most was having backup of my own bodily autonomy.

Lessons of bodily autonomy can start immediately - if your young child doesn't want to give a family member hugs/kisses/physical affection then they shouldn't have to. Be her support in that. The trust you build with this is invaluable if someone were to cross a much larger boundary later on (such as any instance of abuse) she is much more likely to tell you or her mother that it happened because she trusts you to back her up.

Additionally you should always acknowledge her thoughts and input. Obviously kids say crazy shit that sometimes have little bearing on reality, but it is so helpful as a teenager/young adult to know that there is someone who will listen and help you process things. Just work through problems with her, and if she has a suggestion on how to solve it - even if you know it won't work - give it a shot to SHOW her it won't work and talk through why it happened if you can.

This is of course assuming you aren't going to accidentally create a bomb, or otherwise cause irreversible damage to someone/thing.

[–] janus2@lemmy.zip 1 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

neither my biological father nor stepdad taught me that it's ok to be wrong, make mistakes, be human, etc. as long as you apologize and learn from mistakes

to be fair my mom made a lot of progress with me on that but she had to do, well, more than her fair share