Hi everyone, I'm currently going thru a breakup with someone that seems to be a narcissist (no diagnosis but their behaviour seems to point that she is) and I think is the first time I dealt with someone like that.
We had a fallout after she had an argument with her family and friends during a party that I attended to at her place, she stormed out of her place completely drunk and left me there in a weird position, her friends where bitter and told me things about her and it matched with things I saw by myself but wasn't sure so I didn't make a big fuss about them and that broke me completely since I'm deeply in love with her.
Her friends and I just stopped talking to her after her rude behavior and actually expected her to apologize to me or give me an explanation but she didn't budge and just kept on partying and not talking at all to me for almost a week and whene she did talk was to tell me that how did I dare to distrust her.
She has been on and off with me and calls me in the middle of the night piss drunk to tell me she loves me and that she misses me and then she'll go cold again, we'll spend a night together and then cold again and that's driving me mad since I already tend to overthink everything or day dream a lot and is literally torture in my brain I cannot take the thoughts out of my head since I'm hyper focusing on that only and is making me feel a lot of pain and solitude.
Have you ever dealt with a situation like this? Are narcissists attracted to ADHD folk? Do you have any ideas or strategies that have worked for your to bring yourself back to a more normal state?
Thanks in advance for your responses
Edit: I wanted to ad as well that she's a transgender woman and I had a crush on her since I was a teenager (she's kinda popular on social media in my country) she actually made me realize that I liked trans girls and somehow we bumped into each other again now that I'm an adult but now I'm having these thoughts that I might not find someone that understands me and she made me feel like an outcast again, I introduced her to my family and made it clear that I fell in love of her goofy moments in privacy and her eyes it was never a sexual thing like really was pure but now I'm totally shattered I've been drinking every weekend in order to catch some sleep and it's scaring me a lot
This sounds like a tough situation. From what you've described, the way this person is treating you lacks any trace of care or respect. You deserve better. From anyone you interact with, but especially from anyone that wants to be intimate with you (in any sense of the word). I'm concerned that you're still talking to them, let alone wavering on whether to break up with them.
At the risk of being a bit harsh, I wonder if this song applies? I share this only because sometimes it's easier to see from the outside how abusive a relationship has become. I've you're feeling delicate, maybe wait until you're feeling a bit more robust before you listen.
People with a narcissistic streak are attracted to anyone with weakened personal boundaries. This is often the case with those of us who grow up with undiagnosed ADHD, and other forms of neurodivergence. Because we spend our formative years with a neurotypical-dominated world constantly gaslighting us. We're taught to distrust our perceptions; of what's normal for us, what works for us, and so on.
Two things; self love, personal boundaries.
It's an ongoing journey. Life traumas often tip me back into self-loathing and letting other people push me around. But I keep working on accepting myself, warts and all, and reminding myself that I don't need to be perfect to deserve love, let alone basic care and respect. I keep working on saying "no" when that's the right answer for me, even if other people get upset that I don't say "yes".
There's a book by Dr. Allan Mallinger called 'Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control'. I try to remember to reread this book every few years. I found this really helpful, both for understanding my own obsessive people-pleasing. As well as being more compassionate towards others when they're stuck in obsessive behaviour, without sacrificing my own wellbeing trying to "fix" things for them. Which might help in dealing with this person you're struggling to break up with.
Another book I've found really helpful for my journey towards self-acceptance is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Tolle's prose is gentle but never pandering. Often confusing, but always in ways that open space for deeper reflection. Each time I read it, I always follow the suggestion to put the book down and come back to it later, whenever one of the little pause symbols appears. Taking some time to absorb each section and observe my mind's reactions to it, and whether that conflicts with or resonates with my more intuitive responses.
Yeah now I'm getting to that realization, I don't know how much the fact I had a crush on her and the persona she showed online and at the beginning stages of the relationship made me fall for the death trap, a year ago I had a big breakup with someone I was actually going to marry and all and left me on a really bad state and blocked my emotions until a met this girl like no joke the first date was so magical that made me want to feel love again but know I'm more fearful of any connection even tho I crave it so bad since I want to feel I have a partner that can see what I'm inside.
I know the the offspring hell long time no listening to that song I completely forgot it's existence used to be really into punk when I was a teen you brought me back in time, but yeah definitely I feel that way currently. I also think about this song when I ponder about the situation I'm in currently also a bit rough if you're down but gotta love it haha
Also thanks for your recommendations I'll give them a read or try to grab an audio book version to manage to go thru them, you mentioned self love and to be honest I really don't know if I have low self esteem like I used to when I was a teen I was always the odd one because of my preferences in music, movies or topics I liked in general tho I started wearing the weird title as a badge of honor and cultivated my knowledge and abilities more than my physique, now I made more of a compromise with my looks since I'm an adult and well I have to fit in society but still inside I love my brain and how it saved me from a lot off stuff in my whole life, but now I know I could be with someone that treats me properly and I'm charming in my own weird way it's just that somehow she played with my brain to the point I'm just running in circles for no reason and I feel so dumb that I cannot get out of this loop, hell I even remember at the very beginning telling her that I could see the walls she created around herself with her online persona and that I could see thru them and I knew she's actually fragile inside but didn't realize that fits into what narcissist actually do and couldn't see the red flag.
Overall I think me being a "weird" person growing up made me feel empathy for everyone since I suffered abuse from people most of my life and people usually exploit that trait for their benefit.